Monday, May 31, 2010

Well-trained Singaporean woman looking for man to contribute to the birth rate

I am a single Singaporean woman who is prepared for the rigours of parenthood since 8 years old. I have the experience of helping my mother with babysitting 3 of my younger siblings and 2 more that she was paid to babysit.

I have the necessary parenting skills and excel in all household chores because Home Economics was the only subject that I passed in my GCE 'O' Levels exam. I have also worked as a part-time housekeeper in some of the top condominiums in Singapore for two and a half years when I was too stupid to stay long in any other job.

I would appreciate a man to provide for me and I see the urgency of getting married so that I do not have to work anymore and just be a full-time housewife. My future husband do not need to have a great job (even a runner for Ah Long will do), do not need to have good income (we could try to save on our expenses, like the childrens' education), and I really don't bother about his look.

I can assure you that I have never wanted to be a career woman. When I was in school, I envisioned to be a full-time housewife in my "What do you want to be when you grow up" composition writing. I have never wanted to further my studies after I failed my GCE 'O' Levels and my only career ambition in my whole life is to get married and have children. My future husband could be assured that I can take care of all our children without any problem, though I might not be intelligent enough to help out with their homework once they exceeded primary three level.

Unlike other educated Singaporean career woman, I am available for any date with any Singaporean man. I look forward to your response and am available for a date at your convenience.

Specially dedicated to Mr Sulthan Niaz

Friday, May 28, 2010

How do you tell that the lychees are cheap

Just when I stepped into the Fruits section of the mega supermarket, I was greeted by the sights of Indians crowded around a particular stall. But though there was like a village of them there, hands and almost feet got into the action, there was no pushing or shouting. They grabbed in peace.

So these are what they were grabbing. Lychees. In the stall, I could see branches and leaves more than the fruits. Looking around, I could see that some of them were grinning with plastic bags full of the fruits. Must be a damn good deal.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Ah Fook and friend cancelled their swim because of oil spill

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

Ah Fook and friend happily strolled to the beach and prepared to dive into the waves when they realised that the beach was closed. A suspiciously strong stench of gas smell lingered at the whole beach as well. After confirming that none of them farted, they consulted their favorite adviser - the radio. The truth was indeed out there, in the afternoon news. A Malaysian tanker had collided with another bulk carrier registered in some ulu place called St Vincent and the Grenadines. And Ah Fook thought the weirdest and farthest place that he has known was Madagascar.

SWIM-MATE: Wah, so one big tanker langgar with another big carrier?

AH FOOK: Apparently so...

SWIM-MATE: But both are big ships right? And they can't see each other in bright daylight?

AH FOOK: Hmm... maybe because one is turning right and the other going straight and then the turn right one didn't wait for traffic to be clear?

SWIM-MATE: But big ships turn slow right? So how is it possible that the turn right vessel even make a wrong judgment? You see on-coming vessel, of course you don't eir-eir go and take your time turn right, right?

AH FOOK: Hmm... or maybe they langgar when changing lane, tanker want to cut into carrier's lane then carrier don't give way?

SWIM-MATE: Wah! The sea so big, do they really need to cut into each other's lane? Anyway, I still don't get it how two big ships can collide into one another during broad daylight...

AH FOOK: Oh! I know why! Maybe because both navigators were navigating the vessels with their eyes fixed on the GPS instead of looking at the sea ahead of them, so they didn't see each other, and so they langgar lor!

SWIM-MATE: Hmm... that is possible! Or maybe the carrier's brake not working!

AH FOOK: But one thing for sure, their insurance next year are sure going to be rocket high!

What's happening: Parts of East Coast beach closed due to oil spill

Monday, May 24, 2010

Ah Fook mourns the death of the great Dr Goh who created Singapore

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

Together with the rest of the nation, Ah Fook mourns the death of the great Dr Goh Keng Swee who created Singapore.

In the beginning when Singapore was in a mess, this is what Dr Goh has done for the country:
  • He started the Economic Development Board to attract foreign MNCs to invest in Singapore, though nobody trusted MNCs in those days, thinking they were only good for exploiting three world countries' labour force

  • He transformed the swamp called Jurong into a busy industrial estate, providing jobs for Singaporeans

  • Upon leaving Malaya in 1965, he created National Service to make it mandatory for young men to be trained to protect the country

  • He established the Government of Singapore Investment Corporation to invest the country's excess reserves, so that we could earn more money

  • He suggested the Jurong Bird Park, Singapore Zoo and even the Underwater World in Sentosa at a later stage

  • He started the Singapore Symphony Orchestra and backed the construction of the Kreta Ayer People's Theatre in his constituency as a venue for Chinese opera performances

  • To minimise school drop-outs, he created the streaming system to ensure academically poor students get a chance to study at a slower pace

Dr Goh has done much more than what has been listed here, and it takes more than just a blog post to honor all that he has done and achieved. Ah Fook salutes Dr Goh and reckons that he might not see another great man like Dr Goh Keng Swee again in his life time.

Rest in peace, Dr Goh.

What's happening: Obituary - Goh Keng Swee 1918-2010

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Ah Fook checked on Brother Loong's IR earnings

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

Ever since the opening of the two Integrated Resorts, Brother Loong had been so busy with work that Ah Fook hardly see him at his regular relax spots, thus Ah Fook decided to pay him a visit to check things out.

AH FOOK: Brother! Wah! These days you very busy hor? Never see you at the pubs liao!

BROTHER LOONG: Fook! How nice of you to come visit me! Oh... don't tell me you need cash!

AH FOOK: Brother...

BROTHER LOONG: Hahaha... kidding lah, kidding!

AH FOOK: So how's life? So busy means business good huh?

BROTHER LOONG: Hahaha... just surviving! Surviving! But yes, ever since the opening of the two IRs, my men and I have been working days and nights! Lending, collecting lending and collecting again!

AH FOOK: Good for you! But this means with the opening of the two IRs, there're really more people gambling lor?

BROTHER LOONG: Hmm... in a way lor... but actually most of the people who visit the IRs are already regular gamblers who used to gamble on cruises and Genting lah.

AH FOOK: But these locals really don't mind paying a hundred dollars just to go into the casino?

BROTHER LOONG: Fook, you've got to think like a gambler! You see, though they need to pay a hundred dollars of levy, but they don't have to waste time traveling out to sea or up a mountain! Time is also money to these people, you know? And what is one hundred dollars to them compared to the kind of money that they're prepared to lose!

AH FOOK: Oh... that's true... so your men will also pay a hundred dollars to go into the casino?

BROTHER LOONG: Yap, I do send some of them in, so that the people can lend money from us on the spot, don't even need to leave the casino. Then I'll place some at the ATMs too, so that the people know who to turn to when they've reached their withdrawal limits.

AH FOOK: Wow... seems like the actual people who benefits from the IRs are actually loan sharks like you man!

BROTHER LOONG: No, no, Fook, you're so wrong! We're just ikan bilis! We're not the biggest winner! The gahmen is!

AH FOOK: Huh? The gahmen? Because of the increase of visitors to the country?

BROTHER LOONG: No lah, Fook! The IRs are never built just to attract tourists! The gahmen must know that like the F1 racing, after the first two years, people are not interested anymore!

AH FOOK: Then what do they benefit from building the IRs?

BROTHER LOONG: Tax! Didn't you hear? After the IRs are opened for just few months only, the gahmen has collected $70 million in casino entry levies already! That is some big money okay!

AH FOOK: Wow... $70 million...

BROTHER LOONG: Yah! Smart right, the gahmen? They're sick and tired of the people giving their money across the causeway liao lah! Hey Fook, by the way, I heard you're still jobless right? Wanna come help me oversee my operations? Just help me to make sure my runners come back with the money?

What's happening: $70m collected in levies

Friday, May 21, 2010

Even Hitler boycotts Starhub and Singtel overpriced World Cup packages

SingTel and StarHub said they will charge their existing subscribers $70.62 to watch World Cup matches if they sign up by May 31, or $94.16 thereafter. Previously during the 2006 World Cup, StarHub charged early subscribers $10.50 only. If this is not a nation-wide rip off, I don't know what is.

Okay, time to buy Singtel and StarHub shares...

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Star Wars in Singapore

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Kiasuism is what gives a Singaporean his power. It's an energy field created by all truly locally born Singaporeans. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the country together.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: It's your mother tongue. This is the language of a Chinese. Not as clumsy or as random as English, but a more elegant language for a more civilized age. For years, the Chinese speaking Singaporeans were the guardians of culture and root in the country. Before the dark times, before the Empire.

Darth Vader: Today will be a day long remembered. It has seen the death of Goh Keng Swee and will soon see the end of good politicians.

Yoda: Yes, a local's strength flows from the root. But beware of the new immigrant side. Anger, fear, aggression; the new immigrant side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight for job!

Darth Vader: I am your father. Now stop complaining about the public transport.

Padme: Gahmen, you’re breaking my heart! And you’re going down a path I cannot follow!

Obi-Wan Kenobi: You were the chosen one! It was said that you would destroy the opposition, not join them. You were to add one more scholar to the party, not leave it in darkness.

Yoda: Over importing new immigrants is the path to the dark side. Fear of the locals leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate… leads to suffering.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Ah Fook hopes to get a NDP ticket!

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

All these years, via phones, SMSs, AXS machines, SAM machines, internet, no matter how hard Ah Fook has tried, he just can't seem to get the tickets to National Day Parade!

Sometimes he really wonders, is it because he grumbled too much on his blog about the overcrowded MRT trains, or the super slow and unfriendly nurses in the poly-clinics? Is it because his block is too near the opposition ward though not in it? Or is it because on the previous year, he didn't hang the flag outside his flat early enough?

Now it's that time of the year again, to ballot for a little seat at the Padang, to celebrate the country's birthday with the other countrymen! Ah Fook dug his wardrobe for the only white piece of clothing he has and wore his trademark red pirate hat as usual. At exactly 20:10hrs, on the first day of ballot, he turned his notebook to face Southeast (the Feng Shui master said Southeast is his lucky direction of the year) and submitted his form to e-ballot for a seat at the NDP 2010. Hopefully, this year, Ah Fook could finally get a ticket, not that idiot who got 6 tickets and sold for $50 each on eBay!

What's Happening: NDP 2010 e-Balloting Website

Friday, May 14, 2010

Facebook has moved to the dark side for more power!

Oh yes... we were all caught by surprise when Mark Zuckerberg suddenly turned around and said "I am you lao peh and I own all your info!".

But the Deathstar is not built in a day, so let's take a look at how Facebook's privacy policy had changed behind our backs all these years...

Facebook's Eroding Privacy Policy: A Timeline

Facebook Privacy Policy circa 2005:

No personal information that you submit to The facebook will be available to any user of the Web Site who does not belong to at least one of the groups specified by you in your privacy settings.

Facebook Privacy Policy circa 2006:

We understand you may not want everyone in the world to have the information you share on Facebook; that is why we give you control of your information. Our default privacy settings limit the information displayed in your profile to your school, your specified local area, and other reasonable community limitations that we tell you about.

Facebook Privacy Policy circa 2007:

Profile information you submit to Facebook will be available to users of Facebook who belong to at least one of the networks you allow to access the information through your privacy settings (e.g., school, geography, friends of friends). Your name, school name, and profile picture thumbnail will be available in search results across the Facebook network unless you alter your privacy settings.

Facebook Privacy Policy circa November 2009:

Facebook is designed to make it easy for you to share your information with anyone you want. You decide how much information you feel comfortable sharing on Facebook and you control how it is distributed through your privacy settings. You should review the default privacy settings and change them if necessary to reflect your preferences. You should also consider your settings whenever you share information. ...

Information set to “everyone” is publicly available information, may be accessed by everyone on the Internet (including people not logged into Facebook), is subject to indexing by third party search engines, may be associated with you outside of Facebook (such as when you visit other sites on the internet), and may be imported and exported by us and others without privacy limitations. The default privacy setting for certain types of information you post on Facebook is set to “everyone.” You can review and change the default settings in your privacy settings.

Facebook Privacy Policy circa December 2009:

Certain categories of information such as your name, profile photo, list of friends and pages you are a fan of, gender, geographic region, and networks you belong to are considered publicly available to everyone, including Facebook-enhanced applications, and therefore do not have privacy settings. You can, however, limit the ability of others to find this information through search using your search privacy settings.

Current Facebook Privacy Policy, as of April 2010:

When you connect with an application or website it will have access to General Information about you. The term General Information includes your and your friends’ names, profile pictures, gender, user IDs, connections, and any content shared using the Everyone privacy setting. ... The default privacy setting for certain types of information you post on Facebook is set to “everyone.” ... Because it takes two to connect, your privacy settings only control who can see the connection on your profile page. If you are uncomfortable with the connection being publicly available, you should consider removing (or not making) the connection.

So my friends, it is now time to change your profile picture to Yoda and your name to Luke Skywalker (or Princess Amidala)!

Ah Fook's unhappy lawyer friend is gonna sue the big lemon called IR

(Photo in courtesy of Pet Society)

Ah Fook's lawyer friend was attending a top-level conference at a world class integrated resort which was newly opened, so he took the opportunity to have a look at how an expensive and high class integrated resort looks like. After getting stuck in the lift with other angry delegates of the conference for a while, Ah Fook eventually reached his lawyer friend's hotel room.

AH FOOK: Wah... dude, your room is in pitch dark!
LAWYER: Yes... for the past one hour.
AH FOOK: Er... and you don't intend to switch on the lights? Oh! Oops! Did I come in at a wrong time? Are you having... erm... special guest?
LAWYER: No! Ah Fook! For goodness sake! It's a blackout lah!
AH FOOK: Yah right... quit kidding and go switch on the lights won't you? Blackouts only happen in other countries, like Bali and India...
LAWYER: Apparently it happens in a world class integrated resort hotel as well.
AH FOOK: Oh... you didn't off the lights?
LAWYER: No I didn't.
AH FOOK: ...
AH FOOK: And I guess you didn't switch off the air-con as well?
LAWYER: No, the air-con is not working, as well.
AH FOOK: Er... in that case, why didn't you go downstairs to grab a drink instead? Better than being stuck here in a dark and stuffy room right?
LAWYER: The lifts were not working just now, but yah, since you're here, it must mean that the lifts are okay now so we should go.
AH FOOK: Well, kinda of... though there's still the danger of getting stuck in it... again...
AH FOOK: Erm... but I guess going down the stairs is not going to be as tiring as getting up, so why don't we just take the stairs?
LAWYER: Yah, sounds like the only solution now. I really wanna get out of this lemon room.
AH FOOK: But wait, can I use your bathroom first? I was stuck in the lift for some time, you know?
LAWYER: You can't. The toilet cannot be flushed.
AH FOOK: Oh...
LAWYER: Anyway, we're going to sue the integrated resort for all these aggravation and embarrassment.
AH FOOK: Can you do that?
LAWYER: Why not? We're lawyers! Plus we don't have to pay to sue people.

What's happening: IPBA to MBS: How will you compensate us?

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Hitler said Weightage of the Mother Tongue in PSLE will not be lowered!

Education Minister apologised yesterday for giving the 'wrong impression' in a recent press interview that his ministry was planning to reduce the mother tongue weightage in PSLE.

Seriously? Apologised for giving the 'wrong impression', not apologised for attempting to slaughter our mother tongue?

So we got him wrong? Maybe his ang moh is too chim for us then...

Monday, May 10, 2010

Eastside Boss celebrates another massage parlour with Ah Fook

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

Eastside Boss invited Ah Fook for steamboat dinner, said he has got some good news to celebrate with Ah Fook.

EASTSIDE BOSS: Hahaha... Ah Fook, I've booked the whole restaurant tonight, so just order whatever you want! Don't have to be paiseh!

AH FOOK: Er... Boss, this is $12.99 steamboat buffet right?

EASTSIDE BOSS: Hahaha... Come'on, Ah Fook, stop pulling my legs!

AH FOOK: So Boss, what are we celebrating, just done a deal?

EASTSIDE BOSS: Hahaha... Ah Fook, I've changed, I'm doing real business now! I'm opening massage parlours!

AH FOOK: Massage parlours? Wow, that doesn't sound too bad! But these days, we've got spa centers shutting down one after another, isn't the public still wary of signing up spa packages? Won't your business be affected?

EASTSIDE BOSS: Ah Fook! How dare you compare my massage parlours with those lousy spa centers? Hey, my customers can make booking via phone calls or even our website anytime, and we'll never turn away one single customer okay! And better still, they can just walk into the shop and we'll provide them our services just as well! We don't have no lousy packages to tie down our customers, they can come anytime and my girls will service them, no question asked!

AH FOOK: Er... your girls? Service them? Hey Boss, seriously, your massage parlours are not offering commercial sex, are they?

EASTSIDE BOSS: Ah Fook! Hello?! Something wrong with you up there?! Of course you go to a massage parlour for sex right? Or what? You go there to pray? If our customers require extra services, of course my girls will provide it! On the other hand, if all they want is just pure massage, which I can't imagine any guy asking for that, my girls are qualified and certified to massage them lah! Hey, I paid a large sum for their stupid professional massage training okay!

AH FOOK: Wow... and all these are local girls?

EASTSIDE BOSS: Are you kidding me? Of course not! Local girls are too expensive and too fussy, my girls are all foreign talents! Imported young and pretty girls!

AH FOOK: Hmm... and the police is not checking?

EASTSIDE BOSS: Ah Fook, you think I stupid is it? Of course I've got lookouts! And furthermore, all my massage parlours are located only in shopping centers in housing estates, no sweat man! Those stupid police only know how to raid Geylang lah! Alamak! Don't chat anymore lah, the dishes are all cold already! Let's dig in!

What's happening: Rampant comeback of sexual massage parlours in S'pore

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Ah Fook is not gonna pay 90 bucks to watch World Cup!

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

The World Cup is about a month away, the two giant telcos have finally decided on the price of their packages, and their announcement? 94 bucks to watch the World Cup! WTH?!?

No matter how I'd wanted to watch the World Cup, my name is Ah Fook, not Mr Carrot Head! 4 years ago, all we needed was to pay $15 to watch all matches, but now the price has gone all the way up to $94? This fluctuation is even higher than the COE prices!

Thank God there is Internet. At least I can still watch live streaming of the World Cup, some more in HD! Alright! I Ah Fook will not give in to the dark sides!

And if I grow tired of watching alone in my study room, I can always go downstairs to the kopitiam and order one kopi-C to watch the matches for free! But wait... there must be lotsa fans out there having the same idea as me... what if the kopitiam gets too overcrowded? I wonder whether I can call up the kopitiam aunty and make reservation...

What's happening: $70.62 for 64 matches

Friday, May 7, 2010

Ah Fook listens to a politically correct song

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

Ah Fook visited the Artist at the right time, when he was about to try out his new song.

Artist (singing and playing on the guitar):
God save our gracious leaders,
Long live our noble leaders,
God save the Lee,
We'll never mock,
We'll never question,
Oh please reign over us;
We love the policies!

AH FOOK: Seriously?
ARTIST: Hey! No bad mouthing of the gahmen in my house okay! I still wanna earn a living!
AH FOOK: What's wrong with you? I thought you sing the voices of the people on the street, not that of the gahmen?
ARTIST: Sigh... you won't understand...
AH FOOK: Hey, I won't understand if you don't talk!
ARTIST: Do you know that the NAC has just cut the funding to that famous local theatre company?
AH FOOK: No way! That famous local theatre company?
ARTIST: Yap, that famous local theatre company.
AH FOOK: Well... I don't understand. It's not like we've got lotsa theatre companies around here to choose, and that theatre company is like the best we've got, what the hell is NAC thinking?
ARTIST: Just three reasons. Promoting alternative lifestyles, critical of government policies and satirising political leaders.
AH FOOK: Wooo... so the gahmen is making itself heard huh?
ARTIST: Yap, loud and clear!

What's happening: NAC cuts Wild Rice funds

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Do you know what is Totalitarianism?

Do you know what is Totalitarianism?

Totalitarianism is...
  • A political system where the state is under the control of a single political person, faction, or class

  • The government recognizes no limits to its authority and strives to regulate every aspect of public and private life wherever feasible

  • Ordinary citizens have no significant share in state decision-making

  • There exists a pervasive scheme of values promulgated by institutional means to direct the most significant aspects of public and private life

  • Political power is maintained through an all-encompassing propaganda disseminated through the state-controlled mass media

  • The single party in charge is marked by personality cultism, control over the economy, regulation and restriction of speech and mass surveillance

  • Criticism of the government and its leaders is strictly curtailed and making such statements can be cause for arrest

  • The country is ranked almost at the bottom of the World Press Freedom Index

  • The national media is focused almost entirely on political propaganda and the promotion of a the personality cults surrounding a particular family of father and son

So do you know one country that practices Totalitarianism?

No! Not Singapore lah! Singapore is a free democratic country with total freedom for her people and all are treated equally one okay! Don't haiz me okay!

North Korea! It's North Korea, no matter how similar it looks! It's the Kim family, not the Lee family, okay! I don't want to be sued hor!

Other readings you might be interested in...

Ah Fook found out that it's not easy being a Chinese teacher

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

Ah Fook paid a visit to the Teacher's house to check whether she has got any lobang. Hey, the saying "When in recession, be a teacher" is always true right?

TEACHER: Hi Ah Fook, how can I help you? I'm on a long vacation now, so I've got all the time in the world to entertain you...
AH FOOK: Wow... what's wrong? And why the long face? Thought you love teaching?
TEACHER: Hey, didn't you at least read the newspapers? The Ministry of Education is going to like adjust the weightage of Chinese in PSLE! And to the layman, they're simply saying "Oh we needa make Chinese less important so that the little precious ones from the Elite families who have problem even forming one single sentence in Chinese will not have their results pulled down by their poor Chinese, and so that they can get into the top secondary schools easily!"
AH FOOK: Seriously? But that's like as good as telling the kids into their face that Chinese is not important!
TEACHER: Sigh... that's why I've given it all up and cleared my annual leaves...
AH FOOK: Wow... this is bad, man! Imagine years down the road, nobody around here can speak Mandarin better than the Ang Mors!
TEACHER: Oh well... let's don't talk about it anymore... so what brings you here?
AH FOOK: Oh... hmm... actually nothing lah...

Ah Fook had second thoughts about being a teacher. What if in future, the Elites' kids can't count one to ten and the Ministry of Education decided to adjust the weightage of Mathematics in PSLE...

What's happening: Mother tongue weighting in PSLE could be cut

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Diary, Ah Fook writes

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

"Hi guys, how's things? I'm Ah Fook and now I'm relaxing at my house's backyard. Oh yeh, the best thing to do in Summer is to relax under a sakura tree, feel the breeze and drink some good green tea! That's what you call life, man!"

MOTHER FOOK (shouting from the kitchen): Fook! Get off your butt and go find a job!
AH FOOK: It's not that I'm not finding, but I can't find one!
MOTHER FOOK: What do you mean by you can't find one? The government already said on the newspapers that the recession is over, economy is picking up and companies are employing again!
AH FOOK: Nah, that's what they always say, "companies are employing", blah blah blah, even during recession, but the jobs always go to the cheaper foreigners!
MOTHER FOOK: Well, at least get out of the house and try! You're not expecting me to feed you for the rest of your life, are you?

"Geez, this is getting nowhere... Guess I'd better go check it out tomorrow!"

Saturday, May 1, 2010