NOT That Party's GE2011 Manifesto

http://www.youtube.com/embed/ocgtaT_7324

I will vote for you reason #5 - IF you are Mr Brown

Oh yes Mr Brown, I will vote for you on that piece of serial-numbered paper, on your blog and even dial a 1900 number and pay $50 to vote for you...

• Even though you cannot make the 5-rooms HDB flat in Queenstown cheaper and I will never have enough money to upgrade.


• Even though you cannot ask the private clinics to charge cheaper and I still have to wait long long in the polyclinic queue just to get the universal applies-to-all panadol.


• Even though you cannot ask the kopitiam not to use the rising cost of flour/egg/sugar to raise the price of kopi-C for another 20 cents.


• Even though you cannot bring down the ever-rising electricity bill.


• Even though you cannot stop the self-proclaimed world-class public transport from increasing the fares yet again.

So Mr Brown my friend, I will confirm, chop and guarantee tick for you even though you can't do anything, because the other MPs didn't do anything also. But at least your blog makes me laugh from the bottom of my heart. Oh, and you won't ask for too high a minister salary right?

I will vote for you reason #4 - IF you tell my boss I need a $575 designer chair

Oh yes Mr MP-wannabe, I will use luminous green highlighter on the big fat tick that I draw on your box...

• If you call up my boss to tell him that economy has improved so much and I've worked so hard that I deserve a $575 designer chair.


• If you have lunch with my boss and tell him that I had accepted a wage reduction during the difficult economic times and worked hard to help turn the economy around quickly, and I so deserve a 2.5 months bonus.


• If you give one free maid for each family in your constituency so that somebody will carry my bag for me when I go to work.


• If you also plan for a free half day city tour for your constituency to the National Museum of Singapore, the Urban Redevelopment Authority’s City Gallery and Parliament House. Especially the National Museum, because the admission fee there very expensive leh!


• If you change our address to something more posh like "Frankfurt Village" or "Bordeaux Town" and forbid people from other heartlands to wear singlets, shorts and slippers and anyhow come here. Maybe like that our HDB flat resale price can go higher.

So Mr MP-wannabe, you don't have to grow up from a low-income family, but before you ask whether I can tick for you, think of what you can do to help me get enough income to support my family.

I will vote for you reason #3 - IF you gimme back my Merlion

Oh yes Mr MP-wannabe, I will go to the very ATAS ION to buy a very expensive Mont Blanc pen specially to put a tick on your box...

• If you free Merlion from its misery. The Merlion belongs to the people of Singapore, regardless of race, language and religion, or the number of fifty dollar notes in our wallets, and it should be free to stand by the sea while we take pictures and picnic next to it, not locked up for some expensive one-night stands with rich tourists.


• If upon becoming a Minister, you will spare a small portion of your pay to buy back the Raffles Hotel from that Qatar businessman, so that we can have part of our heritage back.


• If you fire the smart alec in STB who anyhow gave Singapore away to the tourists and while you are there, change the tag line to "Our Singapore".


• If you tell the Primary schools to give their vacancies to Singaporeans and let the new immigrants take the left overs. If not, even if I were to queue for 3 days 3 nights outside the school, I still can't beat the rich guy from India who donated a computer lab to the school, or the pei-du-ma-ma from China who volunteered to be the school's slave for 24/7.


• If you make it compulsory for fast food chains to employ only people who speak proper English or Singlish. I can understand the aunty asking "You want upsize?" but not the China gal asking "doyouwanttoupsizeyourmeal?".


• If you ask immigration to go catch all the loose foreign talented prostitutes and beggars all over the island. Geylang used to be the only red light district in Singapore, not Joo Chiat, Marine Parade, Bedok, Kovan or People's Park.


• If you chase away those countless Chinese steamboat restaurants and give us back our Chinatown. Despite the name, "Chinatown" does not belong to China.


• If you can give us back our Sentosa. We used to go to the cheap chalets in Sentosa and hang around and de-stress. Now rich new immigrants stay at the expensive bungalows and Singaporeans go to the casino to get poorer and more stressed. Yah I know, already got one MP who said he got debated things like gambling passionately and he got bite. But the casino still goes on right? If we vote you in to talk on our behalf, but when you talk nobody listens, then we vote you in for what?

So Mr MP-wannabe, before you ask whether I can tick for you, think of what you can do for me first.

I will vote for you reason #2 - IF you ask SPH to stop playing cheat

Oh yes Mr MP-wannabe, I will vote for you, draw a very nice and straight tick on your box with a long metal ruler...

• If you can ask SPH to stop calling some party newbies as Young talent or New faces, and other parties' new faces as Newbies. Must be consistent in the naming mah.


• If you can advise SPH that if they want more sales for their newspapers, it helps to have more coverage of the other parties, like 50-50 vs the one party, instead of 10-90 now.


• If you can be nicer to me after I've voted for you, like lending me your ears instead of asking "Yes, what now?" during the meet-the-people session.


• If you stop treating me like a brainless retard that only knows how to eat, that's why you always have to explain politics to me using analogy of local food like mee siam or D24 durian or chili crab. After all the kopi talks in kopitiams over all the stupid decisions some people made, the average Singaporean does know a bit about politics after all.


• If you can do your walk-arounds and visiting not only during election period but also after you are elected. It is not easy to queue up to meet you during your meet-the-people session, so if you really want real feedback from real people living in your constituency, I'll suggest having at least a yearly walk-around in the neighbourhood. Don't worry, we won't bite one.


• If you can ask SPH to print all the rally timings and locations on the newspapers so that I can plan where to go and what to watch. While one party has all the air time on TV, the other parties' live rallies are more interesting, and are always full house. If I can know the schedule earlier, I can go there earlier to chop place.

So Mr MP-wannabe, before you ask whether I can tick for you, think of what you can do for me first.

I will vote for you reason #1 - IF you take away ERP

Oh yes Mr MP-wannabe, I will vote for you with all my hands my legs and my little pink heart...

• If the moment you become a Minister, you volunteer to donate out all your salary to LTA so that they can remove the ERP system and still make profit.


• If you strap off motor insurance and put all those motor insurance companies to bankruptcy. Don't worry, if we lang-ga, we can settle ourselves at our Ah Beng workshops one.


• If you tell gahmen to subsidise the ever-rising petrol price. If Truly Asia can subsidise petrol for so many cars in their country so big, I'm sure subsidising the little cars in our little red dot should cost even less.


• If you tell LTA to summon those buggers who illegal park right outside the shopping malls and block my way to the carparks.


• If you put more traffic police on the expressways during peak hours to stop those buggers from misbehaving and banging onto each other, then create super long massive jam and make me late for work.


• If you put some Fatimahs at the washing bay every weekend to stop people from illegal parking there so that I can wash my car.


• If you can ask those Fatimahs to also take note of people opening their doors in the car park, and if these buggers or their retarded kids are caught banging their doors on the car parked next to them, summon them $500 per bang.


• If you can ask that since-when-become-so-ATAS National Library at Bugis to lower their parking fees because that is not really the way to encourage more people to read.


• If you strap off all the bus lanes so that people who did pay road tax get to use the roads. After all, the way these buses are driven, if they air-air drive into our lanes, any car will give way to them one, so we don't need these bus lanes and give LTA some more reasons to earn our hard earned money.


• If you change the whole COE balloting system such that the poor pays less and the rich pays more. The last that I heard, some MP-wannabe said that if you stay in a four-room flat, you are poor, so I should pay a poor man's COE as compared to the guy staying in Sentosa Cove.

So Mr MP-wannabe, before you ask whether I can tick for you, think of what you can do for me first.