I don't want to eat alone

This is what happens when the world, oh okay, at least the country, is in peace, and all ministers and MPs decided to think before they talk. When there is not enough news to fill up the newspapers pages. This is the time when you get to read all kinds of hilarious news like some old actor refusing to pay his wife's alimony after he divorced her for a gal young enough to be his daughter, or the latest "I Dare to Eat Alone" campaign from NUS. My first thought? These university people really very free hor.

Like that also can? Like that also can be a campaign? Then what's next? "I Dare to Fight Alone" to encourage Ah Bengs with parangs to stop gang fights and be brave enough to stand up for solo fights? "I Dare to Gamble Alone" to discourage gambling uncles and aunties from bringing their friends along to the casinos? "I Dare to Contest Alone" to encourage GRC MPs to stop hiding behind high profile ministers?

And seriously, why should NUS be encouraging people to feel good about eating alone? Do these twenty-plus organisers know the meaning of eating alone?

If you eat alone in school, it means you're the kiasu loser who is always busy studying to score better than the rest of the class, prefers to do your projects alone so that you don't have to share your knowledge and you do not want to waste your time taking long lunch breaks and socialise with the other classmates.

If you eat alone in army camp, which I can't imagine how can it even be possible, it means you're the saboking loser who is either too slow and have problem keeping up with the platoon, or too quick and on to sabo the whole platoon. You are definitely the one targeted for blanket parties.

If you eat alone at work, it means you're the anti-social loser who is always on a different page from the rest of the team, and you only have enough guts to shoot arrows through emails. You may be the most hardworking worker in the team, but you're also the one they gossip about in the pantry breaks that you're never invited. If you poor bastard manage to climb up the ladder to be a manager one day, you can be sure you'll be fighting alone as well.

Actually I've got a better idea. Instead of encouraging university students to eat alone, why don't we have a "I Dare to Share Table" campaign? If you're alone, go share table with other schoolmates! Awkward? This is exactly what the Hong Kong people do! In crowded cafes and even dim sum restaurants, the Hong Kong people will opt to share tables with strangers. To the customers, they can cut the long waiting queue, and for the businesses, they can have faster turn-around-time, so this is a win-win situation. How many times in Singapore have you seen a couple taking up a table for 4 and think "Walau, what a waste of table"?

And do the Hong Kong people feel awkward about sharing table with strangers? No. Most of the time they actually ended up chatting with these strangers and share pointers on what's good or bad on the menu. I thought SM Goh has wanted us to start some "Vertical Kampong" spirit without the kampong? This is a good place to start.

Don't blame us, blame your position!

Recently, some rich and successful young chap who paid $10,000 for MM Lee's signature started a vulgarities war with a rather popular blogger who is famous for his humourous use of vulgarities. Yah I know, you can already see who is at the losing end. Like an army cook challenging Macro Pierre White to a cooking competition. But that is not the reason why this chap is famous overnight.

You've got people pissing off people on the Internet all the time. One day you have Xiaxue and Dawn virtual bitch slapping one another, another day you have Steven Lim bitching about another bitch. While we chase their blogs, tweet about it and kaypoh about it, like a Channel 8 drama series, we quickly forgot all about it. Well, at least these hu-has do not make it to the newspapers like this chap. So what's the difference this time? Because he is a YPAP chairman.

Same reason why while there are perverts and peeping toms caught and charged everyday, it raised a higher eye brow when Danny Soo Ee Hock took upskirt digital video recording of women going up escalators. Because he was the previous YPAP Chairman of Punggol South. Same reason why we remember the scholars who walked around naked in Holland Village or watched child porno in London. Because they are scholars.

So why are we so harsh on these high flyers? Are we being biased? But can you blame us? These people are from the Elite class so they are expected to behave, well, like an Elite! They're supposed to be ATAS-er, Smarter, Holier, not like us Cheaper, Better, Faster!

Just like when you choose your magician in your RPG team, you will choose an elf and you expect him to be intelligent enough to remember all spells overnight, but for your warrior who is a dwarf and only knows how to fight, you can still close one eye if he is stupid enough to fall into traps all the time.

So when we overheard some Ah Beng mechanic who earns just above the minimum wage... oh wait, I forgot we still don't have a minimum wage. Okay let's do this again. When we overheard some poorly paid Ah Beng mechanic swearing or caught some Ah Seng gangsters street fighting, we don't really care. But no, we cannot tolerate any YPAP chairman throwing vulgarities on the Internet. Especially when one day he might become a MP, or worse a minister, and we are paying for his highest-in-the-world pay check.

Why so many book taxis and not enough babies?

The press said that more book taxis in stronger economy, but in actual fact, this has nothing to do with economy. These are the real reasons why more book taxis...

• Because all the taxis are either at the airport or IRs.


• Because more taxis taking part in Operation Shadow where they hid in the bushes (or kopitiam) and wait.


• Because it is too easy to book a taxi by dial-a-cab, sms-a-cab, iPhone-a-cab, online-book-a-cab...


• Because more people are getting more impatient.


• Because more people saw that more people are booking taxis, so they also book.


• Because more people have given up on over-crowded MRT trains.


• Because more people have given up on over-crowded buses.


• Because more people cannot afford a COE.

The press also said that Singapore’s total fertility rate has plunged to a record low. So here are the reasons why less babies...

• Because more married couples are put off by the idea that they have to queue up over-night for their kids' place in a kindergarten.


• Because more married couples are still saving up for the medical costs to give birth.


• Because more married women want to keep their promotions.


• Because more married women want to keep their jobs.


• Because more married couples are busy working OT to be Cheaper, Better, Faster.


• Because more unmarried couples could not find a reasonable flat that is affordable.


• Because more singles could not find a Singapore-born Singaporean boyfriend/girlfriend.


• I wanted to state the last reason as because there are more gays, but I'm worried that MDA might rate my post as NC16.

Is Singapore arrogant or what?

Recently I saw a TV commercial of one bank claiming that it is "Asia's safest. Singapore best". I was astonished.

This is that one bank which previously had 21 Internet banking accounts being hacked into by a Chinese national, who then made a USD62,000 fortune and ran away to Malaysia happily. How Asia's safest.

This is also the one and only bank in Singapore which not only had their Internet banking, but also all of its ATM machines suddenly gone down for one whole morning one fine day. How Singapore best.

Like some Great Man once said "This was a lapse, what to do, it’s happened", that one bank had definitely heed the advice and moved on. In fact, moved very far away. But it seems that besides one arrogant bank, we have one arrogant politician as well.

One politician said Singapore should not be shy about having one of the highest paid civil services in the world because Singapore's civil service is the world's best and most effective. And coincidentally, that one politician is the same politician who told us to work "Cheaper, Better, Faster". You know, it will really be helpful if that one politician could cite some example of how good and effective our civil services are, for example...

• How the YOG volunteers' food were effectively improved only after a horrific lunch picture was posted online, or how the volunteers' free Formula One tickets were effectively sent to them after the event.


• How floods in Singapore are effectively taken seriously only after Bukit Timah was flooded X number of times and Lucky Plaza Y number of times.


• How the police had effectively searched for Mas Selamat who effectively escaped from the toilet and swam to Malaysia even more effectively on his floating device, and how in the end the Malaysia police had to effectively catch him and return to us. With a price.


• How the MOE had effectively attempted to play down the importance of second language in PSLE, only to enrage the people and then effectively blamed them for mis-interpretation.


• How more BTO flats were effectively built and pushed out in hurry only after the problem in getting affordable flat has been taunting the people long enough.


• How the number of immigrants flooding Singapore is effectively controlled only after there are already too many of them here.


• How the guys in SLA had effectively siphoned enough money to buy a couple of Lamborghini's to crush.

And while we are at this topic, I do wish that we could stop claiming that we have a world-class public transport system. That will mean that Japan's public transport system must be universe-class, best in the whole universe, including the Death Star.

Restaurants need to do more than just banning the kids

Finally some restaurants are putting down their feet to ban kids once and for all. No matter how unfair it may sound to parents, this is actually a very good news for those of us who are not parents. Especially to the couples who have decided not to have any noisy runabout kids in their houses and yet have to go to restaurants full of them.

But then again, some may find this as another case of what the Chinese says "bringing down the whole boat of refugees with a bamboo stick". While most kids are expected to run around the floor in top speed at the top of their voices, there are also kids that will sit down and shut up and eat. For example those who are brought up by drill sergeant dads and discipline mistress moms, and taught to put up their hands before speaking at a dining table. So I agree it'll be rather unfair to these disciplined kids.

So perhaps the restaurants should not reject the kids right at the door, but give them a chance to prove their innocence? Perhaps they could adopt the soccer penalty system where the servers are authorised to present a kid with a yellow card upon inappropriate behavior, and if the kid receives two yellow cards, he or she would be asked to leave the restaurant. And of course that will mean the whole family has to go. Too harsh? What are you expecting? Even for the Singapore Lions, the whole team has to go! Oh... except for the coach in this case...

Actually I reckon the restaurants have more items on their To-do list other than just banning the kids if they really want to make our dining experience enjoyable, or at least bearable. After getting rid of our kids, the restaurants should make these changes themselves as well:

• Ban the handphones. A yelling kid will eventually stop yelling when he or she is tired, but a uncle or aunty can go on and on and on...


• Put up partitions to divide up large tables from the smaller tables. We are actually not interested in the gossips and catch-ups among a table of ex-classmates/ex-colleagues/ex-whatever. And we really don't have to join in their birthday songs.


• Widen the space between tables. Before we can start ordering and eating, we do need to get to our tables. And some restaurants seem to be hinting to us that we need to go on a diet before we can get to our tables. And when we finally managed to squeeze through the gaps, it can be really uncomfortable listening to a chap trying to hook up with a gal or watching the other one all over his gal's hands.


• Give us some water. We have already got desalination plants, Marina Barrage and floods so we have got more than enough water to go around and the price of water is going to remain cheap. So give us our iced or warm tap water! If we really like to have a glass of wine or juice, we will still order it on top of the free iced water, you moron!

Aunty, you give female drivers a bad name!

That's enough. I'm so having enough of people praising me that I park well. Whenever I managed to park my car without adjustments, one of the guys in the car could not help himself saying "Wah, your parking not bad har!". Yes sir, I've learned my parking well back in driving school and by the way I've been driving for more than 10 years, so why shouldn't I park well? And you should see their faces of admiration whenever I slotted my car neatly into a parallel parking lot.

Unfortunately, at this age of time, men can acknowledge a woman's capability to be a CEO but yet they still can't believe in a woman's driving skill, or worse, parking skill. But seriously, can I even blame them? While most of my girl friends and I have no problem when it comes to parking our cars, there are indeed some hopeless ones out there. And if I were to profile these ladies...

She is usually old enough to be called an aunty. And because this aunty is old enough, this means she has usually worked her way up her career high enough to draw a respectable pay, which means she will drive a large BMW or at least a Toyota Camry. If she happens to be married and with kids, she will drive an even larger MPV.

And how will these aunties park? Lemme illustrate those I've met...

Aunty #1 drove a SUV up a HDB multistorey car park. After she went up part of the slope to the next level, she suddenly reversed without warning or indication to park at a lot at the corner of the lower level, just before the slope. Of course the car behind her had a shock when he had expected her to go up the slope but instead saw her reversing into him. And of course she had successfully caused an accident.

Aunty #2 drove a Camry into a shopping center basement car park. After she parked into a lot, she realised the car next to her had parked on the line so she couldn't get out of her car. So she drove out of her lot again to find another lot. There was only one problem. When she drove out of her lot, she insisted on driving on the wrong direction of traffic for some reason and the whole row of cars have to watch her do multiple-points turn slowly and squeeze pass them even more slowly.

Aunty #3 drove a wide European car into a basement car park. She was quick in her parking and needed no adjustment. In fact she was so fast that I couldn't react fast enough to call her back and request her to re-park because she was parking so close to my car that my passenger had problem getting out!

Aunty #4 drove a MPV and found a parallel parking lot on a very busy road. I'm sure all of you have met Aunty #4 somewhere in your driving life at some point. She drove in and out of the lot in differences of 1 degree angle and meanwhile the whole road got so congested up that it should have been reported on the radio to warn other road users to avoid that road.

And of course we must not forget Aunty #5 who just have to reverse her car so slowly into the lot that you couldn't tell that her car was even moving.

To have 3-star toilets, have happy cleaners first

After only about 30 per cent out of the 30,000 restrooms in Singapore meet a three-star standard, must be from hotels and ATAS shopping centers like ION, the Restroom Association of Singapore (RAS) came up with some Inter-Agency Working Committee (IAWC) report, and targeted to have at least 70 per cent of the toilets meet that three-star standard by 2013.

And in order to draft a three-year blueprint sophisticated enough to justify their jobs and prove that they were working hard, the committee came up with some very out-of-the-box ideas that are totally out-of-touch with the people using and cleaning them.

Like an ERP system for toilets during peak hours. How original. I've written enough of the effectiveness of the original ERP system on the roads so I won't bore my readers here again. And anyway they are smarter than the committee to know when things won't work.

Like giving cleaners the authority to act as "inspectors" to warn or fine irresponsible users. So what will you call people that beat cleaners up in the toilets then? Toilet bullies?

And other ideas - like shared cleaning services, and better restroom lightings and brighter colours to influence improved user behaviour - are just... other rubbishes.

Enough focus on the toilet users. My suggestion to the committee is to look at the other side of the coin instead. The cleaners.

Cleaners are one of most exploited workers in Singapore, perhaps second only to construction workers and maids. One reason is that most of the cleaners are retired old folks who are less educated, and like what we have learned from robbers and con-men, they are the best candidates to cheat and not get caught. Thus cleaning companies find it difficult to resist the temptation of paying them extremely little and exploiting them further.

Unfortunately, most of my elder relatives, even my father, are cleaners, and what I'm about to reveal are real stories happening below the nose of the Restroom Association of Singapore.

When one of my uncle was working as cleaner in a office building downtown, he will always get his pay, which was about $600, at least three months late. The foreign workers were even worse. One of them had his pay delayed for more than six months.

When one of my aunties was working as cleaner in a secondary school, she did get her few hundreds dollars pay on time. But her company failed to pay for her CPF. In fact, the company did not submit CPF contribution for all of the cleaners.

When this aunty of mine resigned and joined another cleaning company, she did get her pay and CPF contribution regularly alright. But the company had a rule that all cleaners shalt not take sick leave. Meaning all sick leaves will be considered part of their 7 days annual leaves. Oh, also, when they are on sick leaves or annual leaves, they have to get a temporary cleaner to stand in for them, and get this... they have to pay for their own temporary cleaners.

My father is working as a cleaner in a NEA waste management plant in Tuas. He gets his pay on time, even his CPF contribution, though not on time. But when I last checked his CPF statement online, I discovered that his company's name has been changed from Company A to Company B. Nope, his employer is still the same and they did not change their company name. Due to the Government's tightening of the import quota for foreign workers, his company has apparently set up a new company and transferred the names of all local cleaners in Company A to Company B, so as to employ more cheaper, better, faster foreign workers. Ah... so my father has become the Phantom of the Cleaning Company.

This is common sense. If the cleaners are not treated fairly, they are not going to be happy. And when the cleaners are not happy, most probably they won't be doing their best at their work. So dear RAS president, I'll suggest that you grab a cleaner out of a toilet and ask him whether he is happy. This might put more practicality to your sophisticated three-year blueprint.

Gimme back my Singlish speaking waiters and waitresses!

First of all, let me declare that I'm not xenophobic. I work in a MNC with more than half of my colleagues from the rest of the world outside Singapore, and I really have no problem working with India Indians, China Chinese and what not.

However at the same time, that doesn't mean I love to be surrounded by foreigners 24/7. And with the rate that foreigners are coming onboard, we are seeing one foreigner for every two or three Singaporeans now. Which means that I'm still surrounded by foreigners after I get out of my MNC office. I know this shouldn't bother me because gahmen said foreign talents are good for us and I should take it as a good Singaporean. But when these foreign talents start to conquer culinary positions, they start to get on my nerves.

Did you realise that when you order a kimchi soup from a Korean stall in the food court, it is most probably cooked by a China Chinese chef? Did you realise that the local delicacy chili crab that you're offering to your overseas guests might not be cooked by a Singaporean? Did you have problem understanding what the sweet counter gal at a fast food chain is saying, only to realise that she was asking whether you want to "upsize or add any dessert", in English?

When I take a coffee break at the kopitiam, my favourite kopi aunties has been replaced with some young China gals, and my kopi-C siew dai always turn up as kopi-O siew dai, kopi-C without siew dai, or simply kopi. These days I just order Milo to be safe.

When I go to a steakhouse for some good steak, I have to give my order in Mandarin. That didn't really challenge me much because I can always point at the menu when I'm too lazy to do mental translation. The only problem is she has no idea what is "medium rare" and I've got no idea medium rare equals to how many percent cooked. Luckily there is still a local floor manager who can translate my medium rare to whatever percent cooked.

Recently when I had dinner at a Japanese restaurant at Suntec City claiming to sell only authentic home-cooked Japanese food, I had the illusion that I was at Manila. All the waitresses there were Filipinos and believe me, it is not easy to understand a Filipino pronouncing Japanese dish names.

I'm really not xenophobic and I don't care that a foreign worker quarters is located just down the street from where I stay. But seriously, I just want to order my food and eat in peace. I just want my waitress to say "How you want your steak? Medium rare har. You want baked potatoes or fries?".

Second hand car market is back in business

The last COE prices are simply crazy. The price that I paid for my 1.6L car three years ago can only get me a piece of obscenely expensive invisible paper now. For the COE prices to shoot up the sky, there must be mountains of bids received for the month, which means there must be showrooms full of people buying cars. So much for the purpose of the COE is to deter people from buying cars.

Seriously, if you think that the the real purpose of the COE system is really to deter people from buying cars, then you must also believe that the $100 levy is really to deter Singaporeans from gambling. Which means you are either too pro-government, too rich, or too naive. If the COE system would have worked in keeping Singapore road traffic smooth, then why do we have the ERP system? DUH!

Firstly, why won't the COE system deter people from buying a Toyota Vios in Singapore that costs as much as an Audi A3 Cabriolet in the UK? Because people who buy new cars in Singapore are either too rich, because they have been rich all their lives, or just won 4D/Toto, or received a 2.5 months bonus; or they don't have a choice, because they work till the moon comes up in remote parts of Singapore with limited public transport, like Tuas, or have a handful of kids, parents and maids to transport around. So even if the COE price touches the million mark, they might still consider.

And then for the rest of those who have simply given up on the cannot-make-it public transport, but cannot afford the Audi-priced Vios, the COE system will not deter them from buying a second-hand car. For some of us, this gives a sense of deja vu when the COE prices were just as high about 10 years ago and you can only see P-plates on second-hand cars. In this case, higher COE prices only means it is time for those salespeople to move out of car dealers like Borneo Motors, brush up their smoking skill and get into the booming second hard market.

So in summary, what is the effect of high COE prices? You've still got the same number of cars on the roads, but expect more traffic jams because of more old second-hand cars breaking down.

Jurong is the illegal parking heaven

Now I get it. Why is it that despite all the foreign workers quarters with their foreign workers, all the pollution from all kinds of factories, and despite it is too freaking far from anywhere else in Singapore, there are still so many people moving over to stay in Jurong. Because Jurong is the illegal parking heaven.

For the cyclist, Jurong is the illegal parking heaven to ride your bicycle to anywhere and park everywhere. Trees, railings, lamp posts, or any other vertical objects are there for you to lock your bicycle to. You just have to make sure your lock is strong enough and your bicycle old and dirty enough so that it does not get stolen. But even when it does get stolen, no worries, you can always steal another loosely locked one on the next tree.

For the motorbike rider, Jurong is the illegal parking heaven where every pavement is your parking lot. Why park at the multi-storey carpark when you can just park your bike on the pavement beneath your flat? You don't have to worry about your bike blocking the pedestrians because in Jurong, they are trained to avoid motorbikes on pavements and walk on the grass or road instead.

For the vehicle owners, Jurong is the ultimate illegal parking heaven where double yellow lines are for decorative purposes only.

On week day morning peak hours, lorries and tracks will park on the road side of Pioneer Road North to load their goods and all other cars and buses will know to avoid that lane totally.

Private buses and vans will park on Boon Lay Way while waiting for the time to pick up their passengers and the students of Jurong West Secondary School know not to bother reporting to the school about suspicious vehicles parked outside the school.

The slope leading to the entrance of the multi-storey carpark next to Pioneer Mall is constantly lined with lorries and vans unloading goods, and even more cars while their drivers have a burger at MacDonald's.

Jurong Point itself is surrounded by illegal parking all year round and all day. On Saturday mornings, lorries park themselves right before the entrance to the carpark to do their unloading. The loading bay may be empty, but apparently too far from the stores. They must be concerned that their trolleys may not make it to the stores. And anyway it is not as if these lorries are totally blocking the the cars from the carpark and buses from the bus interchange. There is still another lane.

And here comes the cream of the crop. In the illegal parking heaven of Jurong, you can park your car along the road outside all kopitiams and have your meal in peace! Nope, the kopitiams in Jurong do not have some high tech super efficient officers alarm system. In fact, these kopitiams do not even have a lookout. The reason is simply because in Jurong, there is no such thing as parking violation officer.

When traffic police used to rule, you don't see one in Jurong. When the traffic police decided they have too much on their plates and shifted the responsibility of curbing illegal parking to LTA, you still don't see a parking violation officer in Jurong. Because in Jurong, parking violation officers are like ailens. You know they exist somewhere but you will never see them.

What have they done to deserve the 2.5 months bonus?

It is a no brainer that the best job in Singapore is to be at management level of a statboard, where your daily job is to channel jobs from the big guys on top of you to the poor guys below you, then send political emails to channel the jobs your poor guys could not cope with to the other departments' poor guys, also attend meetings to present PowerPoint slides that your poor guys have created, and for the rest of the day you can just la kopi and relac one corner.

Oh don't you worry about getting too little pay for your little effort. As long as you've got the right papers, you can expect an offensively huge pay check, even more if you are a scholar, and regardless of job experience. And when the rest of the world is still struggling with economy recovery, you'll still get a generous 2.5 months bonus! Still not enough? Try siphoning some rewards for yourself from the countless contracts for external vendors. As long as you are discreet enough, nobody will notice your Lamborghini. Well, at least for quite a few years. So now who says that the best job in the world is in Australia?

Right at this point, some of you might be accusing me of stereotyping, especially when I do not work in a statboard. Yap, despite my papers and experience, all my applications to all the various statboards only ended up in shredders. Hey, I was so eager that I've even sent resume to the allegedly more boring statboards like NLB and NPB for junior positions that are held by my subordinates! Some said I must have been rejected because I was asking for the same pay as a freshly graduated scholar, which is probably too much to ask for since all I've got is more than 10 years of experience and a normal honors degree from a normal UK university. With such resume, I could only work for MNCs listed on NASDAQ.

So instead, I'll tell you real stories of some statboard managers, painfully obtained by the countless nights of grumble calls I get from my unfortunate friends who have to work under these bosses. Wonder what did they do wrong in their past lives to deserve such bad karmas.

He is the one who asks his next-in-line to do his own tasks and reports, and when the next-in-line said she have no idea how to do his job, he says "If you don't know, I lagi don't know! Can you go find out?"

He is the one who organise one-to-one interviews with the whole office to find out how critical it is for them to have a particular stationary that costs SGD12 each before signing on the procurement request.

She is the one who bought Hello Kitty pink flowery guestbook for the guests attending an industry seminar organised by her department. No, those guests are not pre-school teachers but managers from various SMEs and GLCs.

He is the one who goes into panic mood whenever there is a quarterly meeting with higher management and always ensure that his next-in-line attends the meeting with him, and when questions are asked in the meeting, he stares at his next-in-line and waits for the answers.

He is the one who traveled to China to cut a deal with the potential partner, but after days of meetings, refused to sign on the dotted line because he needed to check with his boss back home. And of course in the end someone else from a private company got the deal.

She is the one who takes annual leaves on days when there are deadlines to be met and important meetings to attend.

She is the one who was expecting an overseas VIP who was critical for a partnership deal, and she asked her PA to email their address to this CEO instead of asking someone to receive him.

He is the one who nervously had a talk with his subordinate who closed 4 deals for the financial year when the sales target was actually 2. His subordinate was advised to slow down.

There are so many more examples yet to be cited and in order to relate them all, I would need to start a new blog for this specific topic altogether. Seriously, I hope the 2.5 months bonus is enough to compensate the mental torture that my statboard friends have to go through.

Who gave these architects the license to build?

Oh yes, we have heard how the four-hundred-thousand-dollars-an-unit Pinnacle and the Helix Bridge linking to the super luxurious Marina Bay Sands have won some International architectural design awards. We have also seen how we built the magnificent and expensive ION with huge LCD screens and pretend to be Shibuya. But are we really that good in building stuffs?

Because I've noticed that our architects seem to be always aiming for the big picture but missing all the small details. Like how they built the contemporary and futuristic looking bus stops with benches that are not designed for sitting.

Or when a neighbourhood mall was launched near my place, the residents discovered one escalator going up, but none coming down. Perhaps the architect felt that was the perfect way to ensure that the residents spend more time shopping in the mall. Eventually, one or two months later, probably after some complaint letters and phone calls, the downwards escalator was built.

Some may say "Aiyah, they must have used some kuching kurap architect lah! Neighbourhood mall only mah!". Then is the Singapore Expo a huge enough project?

Recently I visited the Singapore Expo for some exhibitions and thanks to the rainy season now, I finally get to see one unique design hidden in the Expo. Do you know that the roofs outside the halls have holes? I'm referring to those roofs that extend out of the main building to provide shelter for the food court and other eating places. On a sunny day, they protect you from too much sunlight when you dine alfresco. And on a rainy day, they provide a spectacular water-fall in rain forest visual effect and the eating places can call it a day or provide rain coats for their customers.

The other sight that is more spectacular than rain drops falling on tables and chairs will be the toilet queues. While there are up to ten conference halls capable of accommodating thousands if not hundreds of visitors, the architect felt confident that not all conference halls will have an event at the same time, and not all visitors will need to go at the same time. Which is why there are only three cubicles in each of the washroom next to a conference hall.

We are grooming mafias and pedophilias

Downtown East, Bukit Panjang, Ang Mo Kio. Nope, these are not the estates where so-called affordable BTO flats are going on sale now. Your new home is still going to be in some ulu places like Punggol and Woodlands. Those are the places where you might see more policemen who miss their computers and naps in the police posts, where hardware shops might call 999 while packing your chopper, where teenagers might be hiding parangs instead of iPads in their big school bags. These are the teenage gangs war zone.

Apparently before the gahmen split the land for the election, the teenage gangs decided to that it is in their best interest to split their own jurisdiction first. Just in case they end up with a MP that their bosses don't like. I can imagine their bosses' speech to be like...

Gang big boss: Brothers! All these years we've had a good time hanging around Jurong. But this place is no longer the same! Last time the whole park is ours one, but nowadays here got too many Banglah sleeping and China people making out liao! We need to move on and progress! We need to expand our territory! To Downtown East, Bukit Panjang or Ang Mo Kio also can!

While the Secondary School/Poly/ITE teenage gangsters are stealing the headlines, that doesn't mean our scholars are just going to sit down there and watch their not-as-good countrymen grab all the attention. And because they are scholars, they are supposed to be more intelligent (they have to be right? After all the money that are spent on them!). Merely one scholar is adequate to snatch back all the limelight from the gangs of teenagers. Enters Jonathan Wong, a MOE scholar studying at the University of York in Britain.

So how did Jonathan become famous overnight and give the Home Team a break from getting blamed by Singaporeans for MIA when parangs and choppers fly in the air? Break a million dollars bond? Nah, too common. Such trivial news are only found in free newspapers distributed at MRT stations. Walk around Holland Village naked with a boyfriend? Nah, somebody had been there and done that. And anyway that will only put him on the evening newspapers next to the 4D results. Jonathan did better than that. This MOE scholar who could have a straight petals-filled path to the principal office of a top elite school was caught with the possession of 50 videos of hardcore child pornography.

Now this has really triggered the rage and panic buttons on most if not all Singaporeans. What is wrong with the young Singaporeans? The stupid ones join teenage gangs and go to courtroom to support their brothers who have just killed someone, the smart ones are busy downloading child porno, and the others are obese.

Is this happening due to our education system where Maths and Science are more important than Moral Education? Is it because their parents are too busy working than to teach them the right from wrong? Or is this the side effect of the great divide of rich vs poor or elites vs normal streams?

Whichever reason it is, it is clear that our young Singaporeans are out of control. Maybe someone of higher power should go tell them not to waste their life this way. Even if they do not know what are they defending anymore, they should not play with life. If they want to, do it on PS3 or XBox.

Oh just get rid of these annual fees, for goodness sake!

Seriously, I really don't understand the point of doing this. For the banks to charge us annual subscription fees for our credit cards.

Firstly, you bank people bug us from your roadshows in shopping centers and from your out-of-place booths in PC shows. Or call us up during our meetings and lunch dates. Or sms us at 8am on a weekend morning or 11pm on a weekday night. Offering us your credit cards for free without subscription fees and free gifts that can only be collected during our office hours.

When we finally succumb and added yet another credit card in our wallets, we have to be extremely vigilant to ensure that we pay at least the minimum amount in every month's bill. Else we will have to pay a late payment charge of $50 plus interest if we forgot to pay the $10 bill.

And because we greedy people took up the credit card to get you people off our backs, when the free subscription finally expires when we are not keeping track, you happily sneak in the hefty subscription fee in our monthly bill.

I understand that there is no free lunch in this world. At least not in this country. Since your credit card has provided us with the convenience in shopping more and eating more, we should be bowing gratefully and sending our offering to you promptly. But the fact is, your credit card can be free! So why not?

If we bother to scrutinise the long list of items in our bill, we can find the annual fee (and GST on the annual fee!) hidden somewhere. Then if we bother, we can spend one morning calling up the hotline, listen to music and complex instructions on what the numbers 0 to 9 stands for, then hang on for the next operator who is free because our calls matter to you. And when your operator finally answers the call, she will check up our account and (1) if we have been actively using the credit card, she will waive the annual fee because we have been loyal, (2) if we have not used the credit card even once, she will waive the annual fee so that we can try using the card for the year. So what is the point here? Why can't you just get rid of that stupid annual fee so that we can all go for tea-break instead of talking to your phone operators and jam up the hotline?

Oh yes, I know that we can use our points to redeem another year of subscription. But I have just used the few thousands points that I have accumulated by spending a few thousands dollars on a pair of movie tickets.

Mata not enough?

When I was driving on the expressway this evening, I was pondering. Did I miss the news that Singapore is changing to left hand driving? Or have the cunning car manufacturers grown tired of building mini-buses and putting on a "MPV" label so that they can sell them at car price, so now they are building van-looking cars?

Because I saw three vans cruising on the right most lane on the expressway. One even went all the way to overtake a taxi, and judging from my speedo showing 90km/h, he was easily going at 100km/h. The last that I heard, the speed limit for vans is still at 60km/h. But I suppose we can't really blame these drivers for ignoring the limit when their vans have the necessary power to go beyond 60km/h. Especially when nobody is watching. Seriously, when was the last time that you see a traffic police?

During a car accident? Not necessary. If nobody is badly hurt or dying, the traffic police will not be there. As a rule of thumb, if the ambulance is not there, the traffic police will not be there. At places where people park like their grandfathers bought the road? Nope. It is no longer the responsibility of the traffic police to book illegal parking as this job has been handed over to the LTA. Which means you can now park your car on the double zig-zag yellow lines in front of a traffic police and all he can do is call LTA. Which means you can still park there for the next 2 hours and run your errands.

So what are all the traffic police doing then? Even YOG is way over and they don't have to go around the island fining drivers $130 anymore. So what is keeping them so busy that they don't have the time to catch taxis/vans/buses/lorries/long vehicles speeding at 120km/h on the expressways? I don't suppose traffic police are involved in NDP rehearsals?

In fact, even the patrol officers are not patrolling on the streets anymore. These days, in order to see a man in blue, you have to either wait for the next NDP or career fair, or visit a neighbourhood police post near you. Actually I can't really remember how a policeman uniform looks like anymore. For all I know, they could have reverted back to wearing shorts, especially with all the flood warnings these days.

Some people on the street are now blaming the police for not watching the streets, and thus leading to case after case of parangs gang fights. Oh yes, gang fight are back in fashion again, just like floods and prostitutes. These days you have to be careful about staring at the wrong person, especially when in Downtown East and Bukit Panjang. If not, the next thing you know, a gang of young men will run after you with their parangs, shouting some number codes on the way.

I really find it amazing that these people can just bring a parang along wherever they go. I mean, isn't that kind of heavy? And how do you hide it and not attract attention? Everybody knows that if you are holding a roll of newspapers, there must be a parang in it. We are trained this way by all the Hong Kong gangster movies. So how does one big group of young men carry their portable parangs up the MRT train or bus without someone calling the cops? Ahh. Now I know why all those vans were in a hurry.

So where are the policemen again? Well, I know. They are busy parking cars with fake bombs and smoke to test the public's vigilance against terrorism. But judging from how the fake bomb was planted, with smoke, wires peeking out from the car door, LPG cylinders wired to a device visible on the passenger seat, and ticking sounds that could be heard from the car, I suggest that they watch some of the CSI and Criminal Minds to find out how fake car bombs should look like. Because if I were one of the passerbies, I would have expected a bear to jump out of the car.

Are you the one who's not working good better best?

One minister said that Singaporeans are not doing exceptionally well in their job. In fact, he feels that Singaporeans are only doing 75% of their best effort. Not 90%, not 60%, but a precise 75%. I wonder how he gets 75%. Guts feelings? But he is not a race driver leh. Sixth sense? But he is not psychic leh. Then it must be from some statistic calculation from some complicated surveys that involve only some specific clusters of the population. But if a surveyor asks you how hard you work, will you say "I only put in my 75% best lah, rest of the time I relac one corner one!"?

But most importantly, are we Singaporeans really only working at our 75% best? Not my colleagues and me who work in a MNC when we even volunteer to attend night conference calls just to ensure that our projects can be launched successfully. Not my friends working in SMEs who have to multitask on their multiroles to ensure that their small companies survive. So who are those Singaporeans who are only doing their 75% best?

Mr Minister must be referring to some of the waiters and waitresses at some small restaurants who don't serve their customers fast enough and when they do they serve the wrong order. But wait. Mr Minister won't be dining at these cheapo places. I'm sure he receives 110% best service at those five-star Michelin-rated restaurants.

Or Mr Minister must be referring to the nurses in polyclinics who make their patients wait 75% of the day or till they drop dead, whichever that comes first. But wait. When Mr Minister is sick, he won't be queuing at these polyclinics. I'm sure at one call, his house doctor will rush to his house to check on his pulse.

Mr Minister will also be too busy to go on factories visit to check on the operators. He also won't be able to tell how people work in SMEs because he won't know where to find them. So how does he know that Singaporeans are happy with 75% best and do not have the urge to want to go much further and to be exceptional?

People tend to relate to things they see or hear in their natural environment. So if Mr Minister feels that way, he must be surrounded by such colleagues or subordinates in the place that he works in. Now it makes sense. Because Mr Minister works in a statboard.

Actually I get it now. He must be referring to those people who thought that the train graffiti was some kind of advertisements. Or those people who failed to do anything about flooding in Singapore until Orchard Road flooded N times. Or those people who failed to check that the real YOG certificates have real signatures. The only argument is that they were also not doing their 75% best. They were doing their 25% best.

No sponsor? No support for the Singapore teams getting lost and losing weight

The Amazing Race Asia is showing tonight, and I just can't wait to see the teams struggle with unbelievable tasks in even more unbelievable countries. And most importantly, I must remember to record the show for my cousin because he has not subscribed to the cable TV. Yap, The Amazing Race show is shown on our free-to-air TV, but not the Asia version. Perhaps because we have always been told that we aim to be a global city, but never an Asian city. Oh, and also perhaps Mediacorp didn't get a sponsor.

You see, because the free-to-air Mediacorp is supposed to be not making too much money out of the people, so all TV programs have to be sponsored. Even those low cost drama series produced by themselves. And since no company has offered to sponsor The Amazing Race Asia, sorry fellow countrymen, you can't cheer for the Singapore team for free.

When Claire and Michelle were sabotaged by those two stupid Indian women, it were the Starhub TV AXN Channel Subscribers who held their breath and hoped that they did not get eliminated. Hell, when Collin and Adrian won The Amazing Race Asia season 2, only the Starhub TV AXN Channel Subscribers could cheer for them!

Same for The Biggest Loser Asia. With as many as 4 Singaporeans trying to get healthy in this season, only the Starhub TV Diva Channel Subscribers are there to support them. Mediacorp may argue that they have already given us our very own Lose To Win (of course sponsored by the HPB!) so we don't need to watch The Biggest Loser Asia. Right. Michelle Chia and Gurmit Singh can definitely give better fitness advices than professional trainers Dave Nuku and Kristy Curtis.

Now I know why is it that I can see the season 1 Filipinos showing off their flag proudly wherever they go, but not the season 2 Singaporeans. Because they know no Singaporean is going to see the flag anyway! Oh, except for the Starhub TV Diva Channel Subscribers.

You know what, I think the Starhub TV AXN Channel Subscribers and Starhub TV Diva Channel Subscribers deserved a National Award for cheering the Singapore teams getting lost in Sri Lanka or losing weight in Kuala Lumpur, when other Singaporeans are not there for them. And our subscriptions are not cheap.

It's up up and away for the ERP charges!

I always believe that our public transport system is designed by people who drive and the ERP system is designed by people who drive Audis and BMWs. That is why our public transport system does not work and the ERP system is sucking us dry. "Oh come on, it's just $4! The Pain de Campagne that I take for breakfast cost more than that!". Oh yes. If the people pricing the ERP system get another pay raise, we can anticipate a $10 ERP charge.

Of course the gahmen is constantly trying to convince the people that the purpose of the ERP system is to lessen the congestion on our roads and not to earn money. Just like how the $100 levy for locals is meant to discourage them from getting into the casinos. All for the good of the people.

But in the very first place, does increasing the ERP charges work in releasing congestion? Perhaps we should first look at why are the roads congested during peak hours. Er... because everybody is on the road at the same time? But why? Because all offices and schools start at the same time! DUH! So will increasing the ERP charges lessen the congestion any way?

If increasing the ERP charges will indeed deter people from using the roads during the peak hours, does that mean we should change our life style so that we don't inconsiderately congest the roads at the same time everyday? So we should send our kids to school early so that they can squat outside locked school gates at 5am? And we should stagger our working hours to start work at 11am/2pm/3pm and go home at 8pm/9pm/10pm?

According to those people living in their little cubicles in LTA, the ERP rates are raised when speeds on a particular road fall below the optimal range, and are lowered when they fall back within optimal range. According to me, I think they should put on their sunblock lotions and take a field trip to these speeds-below-optimal-range roads.

See that whole lane occupied by roadwork for the last decade? See the other two left lanes occupied by heavy vehicles? See that left over lane occupied by slow moving aunties/uncles/P-plates?

Seriously, the gahmen has to stop thinking that money solves everything. COEs do not stop people from having cars because our public transport system cannot make it. ERP charges do not stop people from using the only roads to take them to their kids' schools and to work.

But increasing night parking charges at over 1,300 carparks from $2 to $4 does work to solve the overnight parking crunch. Because I can imagine people starting to call up their parents, "Ma, we won't be coming over for dinner anymore. Parking too expensive lah. So you take a bus over to my place, can?"

My insurance agent is too hardworking

My new insurance agent has been so getting on my nerves. My previous favourite agent, who will ignore me for 364 days in a year except for one when she will call to ask whether I want a free desktop calender, has left and thus the insurance company has assigned me this new agent. We met up to do the transfer documents and she looked like a nice and understanding aunty to me. But I didn't know then that "persistent" is a more suitable adjective to describe her.

I should have known. When we were going through my financial profile, she tried very hard to find any extra hard cash or CPF money lying around. She wanted to know exactly how much I am paying for my house loan, car loan and whatever installments for my latest gadgets. When she realised that I am cash poor, she turned to my CPF money, but I disappointed her that there is a financial adviser guy managing the investment of my CPF money.

"But you should not put all your eggs into one basket, you know?"
"But we're investing in different funds of different natures and he has been growing money for me."
"But how can you trust all your CPF money to him?"

Right. I should not trust all my CPF money to a guy who I have known for five years and has been making profit for me all these while. I should trust you who I've known for only one hour.

The day after we met, I immediately regretted leaving her with my business card. She called me at 10am in the morning at my office phone and asked whether I could introduce my HR Manager to her, so that she could sell her company's medical insurance to the whole company. I gave her the email address of our Global HR Manager somewhere in US. "Oh... so your HR department is not in Singapore?". Aunty, of course I've got a local HR Manager, but what makes you think that I'm willing to embarrass myself for your sake? What makes you think that someone at the lower end of the food chain like me can convince my HR Manager to terminate our current medical insurance deal with an established International insurance company and start a new contract with a little agent like you?

Then she had another idea. She wanted me to introduce my colleagues to her. Well that was more reasonable. I told her to hand me some of her business cards when we meet up next time so that I could distribute them. But whether the cards end up in their wallets or the rubbish bin is out of my control.

Eventually I also realised that I'll definitely receive a call from her whenever the insurance company launches a new policy.

"Hey, we've got this new Smart Lady rider which is very good for you! It pays out a lump sum upon diagnosis of major female illnesses and even covers treatment expenses for a variety of female related procedures! You can even get free female medical checkup every two years!"

Great. So after having bought all sorts of critical illness riders that promise to cover almost all sorts of critical illness known to mankind and unknown to me, now the insurance company is telling me that they've actually missed out on some critical illness that only affect women, and I need to get another rider? What's next? White Collar Workers Critical Illness Rider that insures me against illness caused by too much computer usage? Singapore Drivers Critical Illness Rider that insures me against stupid drivers on the road? Movie Goers Critical Illness Rider that insures me against watching too much 3D movies and spoiling my eyesight?

A couple of weeks later, she called again because the company has launched another new rider that offers financial support right from the early stages of critical illnesses. I'm pretty sure the insurance company will soon launch another Last Stage Crisis Cover that offers financial support right at the last stage of critical illnesses to cover a luxurious last travel trip to Europe and a luxurious last meal of Wagyu steak at the Morton’s made by the chief chef.

Anyway, to save her from all the calling and me from coming up with all the excuses to not meet up with her, I suggested to her that she could email me in future because I can be easily reached by email and I check it everyday. What I forgot to mention is that it'll also be easier for me to mark her emails as spam.

Dear Insurance Aunty, I know that you're just trying to make a living, but I'm not your new whale. I'm just a poor ikan bili.

It's the "Haze gets in your eyes" time again

Imagine this. You're staying in a landed property with a beautiful house. As a successful businessman, you furnish your house with all the latest and fanciest. Some guys have a playroom for their kids? You made a bigger one and filled it with all the latest and expensive toys, regardless whether your kids play them. Some guys have a little poker card room for socialising? You made space for two.

You run your family meticulously and you pride yourself in keeping your house sparkling clean. You deduct your kids' pocket money if they throw rubbish around the house, and you employ maids to clean up if they do.

However your authority only stops at your house's gate. The neighbourhood bully is staying just next to you. They have a big house and lots of kids and relatives. You know they are into some murky business, but you dare not poke. When people ask about your relationship with your neighbour, you just smile and say you are friends. You even lent him a huge sum of money when he got into financial trouble during the last crisis in 1997. When he didn't bother to pay back, you don't dare to ask.

You figured out that you will have a better life by staying clear of that family's path and mind your own business. But once every year or two during the school vacation, the bully's kids will invite their friends over for BBQs in their big garden. Because they have the biggest garden in the neighbourhood, they have lots of BBQ pits in their big garden. During these times, the bully's kids will party non-stop and BBQ endlessly, lighting up pit after pit. As a result, it gets so smokey that even their house is hardly visible among all the smoke, and when the direction of the wind changes, you have a share of the smoke as well.

All these smoke from the bully is affecting your family. You have to warn your grandma who has asthma about going out to the garden, and you have to stop your kids from playing outdoor sports. You are living in an air of choking BBQ smoke and it is driving you crazy. Each time, you tried to talk to the bully about the smoke, all he said is "Oh, I already told them not to light up so many BBQ pits, but you know kids will be kids right? I can't control so many of them 24/7 right? There's not much that I can do! I'm sure you can understand right? Hahaha!"

When the other neighbour come over to play Monopoly, you'll try to get him to talk to the bully too.

"You're also affected by the smoke right?"
"Yah! Alamak! The wind is blowing the smoke all over the place! Everyone around the area kena lah!"
"Then you still allow your kids to run around outside?"
"Ah doi! Brudder, they old enough to take care of themselves lah! Actually sometimes you too protective over your kids already lah!"
"But still, don't you think we should go talk to him again?"
"Can also lah! Wait I see when I free, okay? Hey you want to exchange that piece of land with my railway station?"

This neighbour does work with you to advise the bully at times, but you two know very well that the most that the bully does in return is to put out one or two pits, but his kids will light them all up again some time later. But hey, what can you do? Just suck it all up and wish for the the smoke to go away soon lor!