Ah Fook the food blogger vs the restaurant

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

Since Ah Fook was still jobless, he decided to be a food blogger and blog for a living... well, okay, at least blog for food. The lucky guy received an invitation from an up-class restaurant for food tasting, so he turned up for free meal.

AH FOOK: Hi, I'm here for the food tasting.

RESTAURANT MANAGER: Food tasting?

AH FOOK: Yah, I was invited by your restaurant for food tasting. I'm a food blogger.

RESTAURANT MANAGER: Oh... okay. Just to let you know, you have to pay for the food. We'll give you a discount voucher that you can use on your next visit though. A $10 voucher with a minimum spending of $200.

AH FOOK: Oh... okay... so... I get to choose what food I want to eat right?

RESTAURANT MANAGER: No. We'll decide what you can eat.

AH FOOK: Even when I'm paying?

RESTAURANT MANAGER: Yes. Because we choose which are the dishes you should review on, so we'll decide which dishes you eat.

AH FOOK: Oh... okay lor...

RESTAURANT MANAGER: So your order will be the Creamy Lobster and Scallop bisque, Cavier on Turkish Bread, Wagyu steak topped with Truffle and lastly a Yubari Melon Sorbet.

AH FOOK: Er... these are the most expensive dishes on the menu leh...

RESTAURANT MANAGER: Yes, these are the best of our chef recommendations and are all done with the best ingredients from all around the world, so they're expected to be expensive. Okay, tell you what, just for you, we'll give you a 5 percent discount, so your bill should not be over $300. Ah, one more thing. Please send us your post for review before you post it on the Internet.

AH FOOK: What?! You want to review my post before I post it?!

RESTAURANT MANAGER: Of course! We need to ensure that you don't write anything bad about our restaurant and the food!

AH FOOK: But I have to be as objective as I can be when food blogging! I need to be honest! How are my readers going to ever believe me again if they find me lying that a horrible dish taste fantastic just because the restaurant pays for it... okay, partially pays for it?

RESTAURANT MANAGER: Hey look! Our restaurant could have just paid for advertisements on magazines and what not, we don't really have to get a food blogger to advertise for us you know? We're just trying to be kind and give you people a chance to eat good food and do some writing, so don't push your luck and be grateful!

AH FOOK: WTH! That's it! I'm not going to blog about your restaurant! No wait! I'm going to blog about your restaurant, but not about the food, about your see-bloggers-no-up attitude!

RESTAURANT MANAGER: Tsk... tsk... tsk... some governing body should really set some regulations to control you food bloggers!


What's happening: Everybody hates Bloggers (Note: Source is coming from a popular blog this time round instead of the usual newspaper blogs because my readers deserve to know what is ACTUALLY happening.)

Ah Fook cannot get YOG ticket, but the venue is half-empty!

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

To be a responsible citizen and more importantly, to support the kids, Ah Fook has decided to get himself some YOG tickets and go watch some matches. So he went to look for the Committee.

AH FOOK: Hey, I heard that there are still lotsa left over tickets for the YOG? Must be damn sianz right?

COMMITTEE: I wouldn’t say we are disappointed, I think we are quite happy with the ticket sales so far but I also hope more Singaporeans will also support the games and Team Singapore.

AH FOOK: Yah, I also heard that our kids are actually performing very well in the matches! I wanna go watch and support them! Can I get the tickets from you?

COMMITTEE: Oh I'm so happy that you're supporting the games and Team Singapore! That is the spirit that I'm talking about!

AH FOOK: Yah, so you think I can get the ticket to the semi-finals of 50m Butterfly swimming event? I heard our very own Amanda Lim is in it wor!

COMMITTEE: Oh yes, I heard as well! It was a good job by Amanda! Well done! I'm sure she'll go far!

AH FOOK: Yah! Amanda and also that Daryl Tan who won the bronze medal for taekwondo are kids who we should be proud of! Some more they're Singapore-born Singaporeans okay! They're living proof that we don't have to always buy outsiders to compete for us okay!

COMMITTEE: Ehem... yes, we want to groom these local athletes to make sure they are identified and put through the pipeline to train them... but we must also be practical... we must be realistic that we need foreign talents too...

AH FOOK: Yah yah yah, we still need more Singapore-China teams to win more China-China teams lah...

COMMITTEE: Ehem... anyway, you were saying you wanted to get the tickets? You know, Ah Fook, you will probably see this in your lifetime, once. And we are all making history together because the games is here, first time in the world! You should be so proud of Singapore!

AH FOOK: Har? Why only once in my lifetime? You mean after this first YOG in Singapore, no more already meh?

COMMITTEE: Er... of course there will be more, but it'll be hosted in other countries!

AH FOOK: Then? Good what! Then can go tour also mah!

COMMITTEE: Oh...

AH FOOK: Aiyah, anyway, can sell me the tickets?

COMMITTEE: I'm afraid not.

AH FOOK: Har? Why not?

COMMITTEE: The tickets are already sold out.

AH FOOK: Sure or not? I heard that most of the venues are half-empty only wor! Even the Hall 401 at the International Convention Centre at Suntec City, which holds a capacity of 840, was half-empty when our Daryl took on the Iranian taekwondo star!

COMMITTEE: Actually on paper, that venue was full. The seats were already allocated to the schools even though nobody turned up. So theoretically the tickets were sold out. That's why even his parents can't watch him fight.

AH FOOK: Walauz! No kidding! His parents didn't see him win the match and get Singapore's first YOG medal?!?

COMMITTEE: Nope, they didn't.

AH FOOK: That is sad lor...


What's Happening: 'Toughest fight of my life' - Daryl is Singapore's bronze-medal hero

What Ah Fook had to go through to get his refund from the bus company

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

Like the rest of some 1/3 unfortunate Singaporeans, Ah Fook has been paying extra for his bus fare ever since the implementation of distance-based fare. And like the rest, he went to the ticketing office near him to get his refund. After queuing up for some time...

AH FOOK: I would like to refund all the extra 50 cents that I've been paying for my bus fares. Newspapers said LTA already checked and confirmed the bus company is overcharging us for the past one month or so, so I want my money back.

TICKETING OFFICER: No problem. You just need to answer these few simple questions. What is your name?

AH FOOK: Ah Fook.

TICKETING OFFICER: IC number?

AH FOOK: S8765432Z

TICKETING OFFICER: Contact number?

AH FOOK: 98765432

TICKETING OFFICER: Ez-link card number?

AH FOOK: Ez-link card got number one meh? But I got a few cards and I just use them randomly wor...

TICKETING OFFICER: Never mind one, it's just for record. Just give me the number from any one card. It's the 12 digits number on the card.

AH FOOK: Oh, it's 0900 0800 0700 0600. So the refund will be credited into this card?

TICKETING OFFICER: No lah, we're not that advanced. Your refund will be in cash.

AH FOOK: Then why do you need the number?

TICKETING OFFICER: Told you already, for record only! Date and time of the trip?

AH FOOK: Last Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday morning.

TICKETING OFFICER: I need the exact dates and times!

AH FOOK: July 26 8:59am, July 27 9:01am, July 28 8:58am, July 29 9:02am and July 30 8:57am.

TICKETING OFFICER: Wow! You remember the exact time?

AH FOOK: For record only right?

TICKETING OFFICER: Oh... and what bus number?

AH FOOK: 161

TICKETING OFFICER: Boarding and alighting points?

AH FOOK: Innova JC at Woodlands to Hougang Ave 4.

TICKETING OFFICER: What color were you wearing on those trips?

AH FOOK: July 26 blue, July 27 dark green, July 28 white, July 29 blue and July 30 light gray.

TICKETING OFFICER: What did you have for lunch?

AH FOOK: July 26 nasi lemak, July 27 chicken rice, July 28 mixed rice, July 29 mixed rice and July 30... I think mee hoon kway...

TICKETING OFFICER: You're not sure? The information needs to be correct, you know?

AH FOOK: Hmm... I think it was mee hoon kway... yah, mee hoon kway.

TICKETING OFFICER: Okay, now you need to sign here, and then put up your right hand and swear that the information you have provided is the truth and nothing but the truth, and that you will not try to cheat the bus company. And after one week to one month, depending on how busy we are, you will get back your... $2.50.


What's happening: 13 errors in fare system spotted

Ah Fook went on a gahmen money spending spree

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

Ah Fook was helping a ministry to organise a very important event and so he attended a management meeting in the Minister's office...

MINISTER: Ah Fook, this is a very important event and so I want you to do your best planning. Remember that money is not a problem as long as we can justify.

AH FOOK: Cool! Oh by the way, on the way in, I saw some cardboard boxes and shopping bags in the corridor. Seems to contain valuables and nearly $13,000 cash... is it okay to leave them lying around like that?

MINISTER: Oh, don't worry about it! Someone will look into it someday!

AH FOOK: Oh, okay... Hmm... before we start, I was going through the payment we have made to some of the staff working on the project and I found over 50 cases of overpayment of salaries, bonuses, over-time claims, medical and dental subsidies, as well as double payment of medical expenses.

MINISTER: Oh, don't worry about it! Gahmen got money lah!

AH FOOK: Then when I was entering the event budget into the accounting system, I accidentally found that over 640 end-user accounts were wrongly given access rights to it, and some of the accounts allowed users to modify programs or records in the system! And then I also suspect that someone is doing some unauthorised testing because I saw two invoices generated with incorrect amounts!

MINISTER: Oh, don't worry about it! I'm sure someone from IT will look into it. More importantly, have you covered up those excess meal orders?

AH FOOK: Yap, done that. Those 63 instances of excess meal orders are already settled through the falsification of meal consumption records. Don't worry, nobody will compare the number of attendees for the events with the number of meals ordered one.

MINISTER: Well done! Do we have enough sponsorship for the event now?

AH FOOK: Yap, in fact after accounting for all the expenses, we are still left with $440,450. Should we start to refund back to the sponsors?

MINISTER: No hurry lah, we can have a timeline of 41 days to 1,694 days.

AH FOOK: Wah! Can take so long to refund meh?

MINISTER: Don't worry, these people won't care about these money one lah! Oh, and you reminded me... here's another cheque of $34,907 to put into the event. Use it for anything, like ask some contractors to paint the roads leading towards the venue with "Give Way". This will remind other drivers to give way so that the attendees won't be late and we can start on time.

AH FOOK: Okay sure. But I thought these money is for those welfare homes?

MINISTER: Is it? Oh, don't worry about it. They can get other money by other means.


What's happening: Auditor-General takes some ministries to task

Pastor complains to Ah Fook about the new restrictions on using commercial premises

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

When Ah Fook met up with the Pastor, he was in a foul and shocked mood.

PASTOR: Ah Fook, this is not fair man! This is not fair!

AH FOOK: Father, what is not fair?

PASTOR: The new guidelines on use of commercial properties for religious activities! It's obviously prejudiced against us!

AH FOOK: What happened? What is the new guidelines saying? You can't host services in commercial spaces anymore?

PASTOR: No, they don't dare! But it isn't any better. The new guidelines say that we cannot use more than 20 per cent of a commercial space total gross floor area for religious use, and we also can't use the space for more than two days a week, including Saturday and Sunday! This is so restrictive! And you know what? We still have to take care not to cause disturbances like noise, traffic or parking problems!

AH FOOK: Wow! Which means your guys can't illegal park at the road side to block everybody's way anymore?

PASTOR: And Ah Fook! These guidelines have to come out after we've forked out millions to buy over a giant shopping complex!

AH FOOK: Oh yah! That must really affect your plans!

PASTOR: Definitely! I've wanted to transform all shops in the complex to sell Christian books and accessories! The cinemas to only screen Christian productions! In 3D! For the huge convention halls, I've wanted to replace all those over-abundant computer shows with talks conducted by our religious leaders, replace the book fairs with Christian book fairs! In fact, I was so happy that Carrefour is getting out of the complex because I thought I could use that space for more religious activities to save more souls! Oh, and I was so planning to take away that sinful fountain!

AH FOOK: That iconic fountain? Why is it sinful? Looks nice what...

PASTOR: Ah Fook, the people believes that the fountain's Feng Shui will give them wealth. This is against our teachings. Feng Shui is superstitious and sinful.

AH FOOK: Oh... then I can't go there to touch the water before I go buy Toto anymore...

PASTOR: Ah Fook, personally I'm a little bit confounded as to the real reason behind this because I found that we have always been living within guidelines. Besides the usual insults and jokes we talked about other religions during services and on Youtube, we actually respect the other religions. But I guess we're sabotaged this time. Some people must have complained about us and thus the new guidelines.

AH FOOK: Hmm... I think this is unavoidable lah... You guys so high profile, like getting more and more rich and powerful like that, other people sure will be unhappy one.

PASTOR: But Ah Fook, this is not going to stop us and our faith! We've always found our own solution; in other words we go and make commercial arrangements and this means we actually pay much more than what we would if we expect someone or the government to make provision for us. Don't worry, all we've got is money!


What's happening: New guidelines on use of commercial properties for religious activities

Ah Fook wonders why do police handcuff people taking picture of flood

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

Ah Fook heard that his police friend has finally got the chance to use his handcuffs on someone outside his bedroom! He handcuffed a 57-year-old veteran photojournalist taking picture of the flood! How brave!

AH FOOK: Hey! I read that you handcuffed an old reporter! Tell me what happened!

POLICEMAN: Oh! That idiot! I tell you har, he damn pissed me off lor, if not I won't have used my handcuffs!

AH FOOK: What did he do? Did he really cause obstruction to the police and caused danger to himself and others, like what the police statement released?

POLICEMAN: Har? They released that? Wow... I thought that kind of statement only appears in CSI.

AH FOOK: Er... so he didn't really caused obstruction lor?

POLICEMAN: I won't really say he caused obstruction lah, I mean, the road is so wide, there wasn't really any traffic and there was just the few of us walking around... but I just don't like to see him standing there.

AH FOOK: Because he was standing on somewhere dangerous? I read he was standing over some drain or manhole, so you were actually trying to save him from causing danger himself?

POLICEMAN: Save him? Oh yes! Yes I was trying to save him! You see har, this idiot was standing in a flooded area and on the manhole! Scali he fall down how? Then we have to call the ambulance you know? It's not like we're very free lor! We really don't need that kind of extra work!

AH FOOK: But how is this man standing over a manhole causing danger to others as well?

POLICEMAN: Of course he was causing danger to others! You see, like say he falls down, then there will be some kaypoh people around who try to help him. Then scali instead of helping him, they also fall down then how? See! He was causing danger to others!

AH FOOK: That's true... but still, handcuffing him seems kinda serious leh...

POLICEMAN: Ah Fook, I tell you lah, that morning I was already damn sianz. Saturday morning leh! I was supposed to be having breakfast and sipping my kopi in the station as usual and because of that stupid rain I had to be on the road! In the rain! Already damn DL liao! So this man is really at the wrong place at the wrong time lor!


What's happening: Photographer handcuffed
摄影主任被上手铐事件：摄记3点澄清　反驳警方答复

How 100,000 extra foreign workers destroyed Pharaoh Fook the Second

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

Long long time ago, Ah Fook's ancestor was one of the short-lived pharaoh of ancient Egypt. Pharaoh Fook the Second had taken his crown from his father Pharaoh Fook the First, and had ruled the kingdom for a couple of years. But alas! Nobody had expected that in the year of 2010BC when ancient Egypt had a record growth year, the whole kingdom was literally wiped off from the face of earth! This was what actually happened a few months before the great disaster...

PHARAOH FOOK II: What an exceptional year, my queen! Ah! Double-digit growth this year, I see!

QUEEN CLEOPRATA II: Ah! More wigs, jewelry, and cosmetics!

PHARAOH FOOK II: Ah! Of course, my queen! But first, more bonus for my officers and generals!

QUEEN CLEOPRATA II: And how will the people benefit from the growth? Less tax?

PHARAOH FOOK II: Oh no, my queen! Did the royal physician give you some medicine so wrong? We never lower our tax! We tax more to help the poor! And for the rest of the people, we need to press them on with more restructuring and improving productivity to sustain long-term growth!

QUEEN CLEOPRATA II: Yes, my pharaoh the intelligent one! Work harder and betterer our workers will, so that we have more growth!

PHARAOH FOOK II: Ah, more foreign workers we will need. But the numbers we must also manage, so that the people complain will not! Only more than 100,000 extra foreign workers I see this year. I cannot see otherwise, and we have to accept that.

QUEEN CLEOPRATA II: 100,000 extra foreign workers, you said, my pharaoh? Do we have 100,000 jobs for them?

PHARAOH FOOK II: Yes, my queen! More pyramids we will build, more palaces we will have! More road works, more historical places to pull down for more private houses! And a temple to worship me is in the plan!

QUEEN CLEOPRATA II: But my pharaoh, will the roads not be too crowded? Public transport even more crowded? Will there be enough tables during lunch time?

PHARAOH FOOK II: More people of course more crowded. I cannot see otherwise, and we have to accept that.

QUEEN CLEOPRATA II: But my pharaoh, more jobs snatched from the locals will there be? More unhappiness will there be?

PHARAOH FOOK II: More money put into integration I foresee, a couple more millions perhaps. I cannot see otherwise, and we have to accept that.


And so Pharaoh Fook the Second proceeded to bring in 100,000 more foreign workers into the little land of ancient Egypt. The whole place became too crowded everywhere and every time. The people became too unhappy and very easily irritated by the most minor event. Crime rate went up, productivity went down. The whole country was in a mess. Then one day, without warning, the whole country collapsed and sank into the sea! Alas, the little land of ancient Egypt could not take the load of 100,000 extra foreign workers! But luckily a few managed to escape from the country before it sank, including Fook the Third. Or else there won't be Ah Fook anymore!


What's happening: 2010 will be record growth year for Singapore: PM Lee

Ah Fook visits Australian pole-dancer cum ex-stripper performing at YOG

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

Ah Fook heard that a former Sydney stripper has been chosen to choreograph part of the opening ceremony for the Youth Olympic Games in Singapore. Apparently when the organisers said they wanted the YOG opening to be the "The Best Show on Earth in 2010", they were really serious and not drunk. Excited how the organisers have gone the extra extra miles to make sure the people have a reason to pay and watch the opening ceremony, Ah Fook paid a visit to the Australian Pole-dancer to find out more.

AH FOOK: Hey babe! Welcome to Singapore!

AUSTRALIAN POLE-DANCER: Thanks mate! I'm so thrilled to be invited! Seriously, I've never imagined I could make an international career out of exotic dance!

AH FOOK: Yah, good for you! So how's the preparation coming along?

AUSTRALIAN POLE-DANCER: Oh, twenty podiums and poles will be erected among the seating at the giant stadium, just 5m above the audience. You know, the organisers are really going lengths to make the stadium look as much like a strip club as possible, isn't it fantastic?

AH FOOK: Er... babe, I don't really care about the stadium. The most important thing is, how's the preparation of the girls? Have you found the strippers... oops, sorry, I meant dancers?

AUSTRALIAN POLE-DANCER: Ah, this is actually the difficult part. Not too many girls are doing pole dancing in Singapore so we have to start from scratch. I've got to teach the girls the very basics, and that really takes time. Teaching them how to strip would have been easier but unfortunately that is not part of the program.

AH FOOK: What? No stripping in the opening ceremony? Walauz...

AUSTRALIAN POLE-DANCER: Yah, it's a shame... But it seems pole-dancing is not really popular in Singapore yeh?

AH FOOK: Yah, but don't worry, I'm sure things will get better. After pole-dancing is performed in the previous NDP, and now in YOG, I'm sure Singapore will make a serious commitment to it and make sure pole-dancing becomes a national activity.

AUSTRALIAN POLE-DANCER: What? How do you make pole-dancing a national activity?

AH FOOK: Oh, we're good at that! We can start by replacing all the line dancing classes in CCs to pole dancing. I'm sure the aunties are sick of wearing cowboy hats and skirts by now and will wanna try something more exciting! Hey, and this will also attract more uncles too! Better for them to hang around in CCs than drinking beers at kopitiams right?

AUSTRALIAN POLE-DANCER: Aunties doing pole-dancing? Hmm... that might not be a good sight... but I do agree pole-dancing does benefit them more than the robotic line dancing. At least they'll be more flexible...

AH FOOK: And the ministers can also make use of pole-dancing to mingle with the people! Like mass pole-dancing! And knowing how we like to take things to extreme, we might be able to gather so many people that we break the world's record in the number of people in a mass pole-dance!

AUSTRALIAN POLE-DANCER: Damn, that's a good idea! Actually I too think that pole-dancing is good for Singaporeans, you know? It might help to bring up the falling birthrate of Singapore!

AH FOOK: Oh... yah hor... maybe this is the real reason why we're promoting pole-dancing?

AUSTRALIAN POLE-DANCER: Anyway, if pole-dancing gets popular in Singapore, it is really good for me and my co-workers, because we could consider migrating over!


What's happening: Pole-dancing Bobbi to open Youth Olympic Games in Singapore

Ah Fook asks Man-in-Charge why is the YOG budget busted

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

Just about one month before the YOG started, the committee suddenly realised money not enough and the budget has to be tripled. Ah Fook went to meet up with the Man-in-Charge to find out why were they caught off guard.

AH FOOK: Sir, what happened? How come now then you all realise that you have bite off more than you can chew?

MAN-IN-CHARGE: No, you must understand, it's not our fault. There was no precedent, no template, nothing! Maybe we were a bit naive with our initial estimates, but we're doing this for the first time!

AH FOOK: But Sir, you had two whole years to plan leh! And you only find out you don't have enough money like one month before the game starts?

MAN-IN-CHARGE: Er... hmm... erm... Well, at first we tried to plan it like a school sports day, then someone brought up that serving Milo and hanging the usual bright colour triangular flags is a bit too petty. Then we tried to plan it like a NDP, then someone brought up that YOG is more than just the opening and closing ceremony. So now we're trying to see how we can plan it like an international event. It's not easy, you know? All these meetings are very time consuming!

AH FOOK: Oh... so you guys didn't see it coming when you bid for it...

MAN-IN-CHARGE: Hey, how will we know that we need to spend so much money? Do you know that we need to give out S$260 million worth of contracts to local companies for events and exhibition services alone!

AH FOOK: Er... what events and exhibitions? I don't see anything around my neighbourhood leh!

MAN-IN-CHARGE: There are plenty! You just have to look hard enough! And we also need to contract out to transport company to provide private charter for the contestants! At first we thought we can ask them to take the world-class MRT, but it seems not practical now as the trains are always overcrowded.

AH FOOK: And to spend money to draw all the "Give Way" signs on all the roads...

MAN-IN-CHARGE: That too! Initially we wanted to put "Fine if don't give way" too, but I was told these are too many words to be put in one lane. Oh, and also we need to contract out to food company to cater food for the contestants and staff! At first we thought we can order KFC like we always do for NDP rehearsals, but then we were told too much fried chicken can be too heaty for sports athletes.

AH FOOK: Yah, I can imagine it's difficult to swallow fried chicken after exercising under our hot sun!

MAN-IN-CHARGE: Anyway, plus some spending here and there, we eventually added up to S$387 million.

AH FOOK: That's a lot of money...

MAN-IN-CHARGE: I know, but look, this is an once-in-a lifetime opportunity to raise the international profile of the country through the Journey of the Youth Olympic Flame in all five continents, and broadcasting the Games 'live' to a worldwide audience. My experts said that the value of YOG and Singapore' exposure in local and international news coverage is estimated to be in excess of S$86 million! Singapore will get famous, you know?

AH FOOK: Er... and then? So what does it mean to commoners like me?

MAN-IN-CHARGE: Hey, we need to look at the big picture! The YOG is opening up opportunities for Singapore businesses and Singaporeans, and furthermore, it is expected to attract an estimated 40,000 foreign visitors and tourism receipts of about S$57 million!

AH FOOK: You sure so many visitors will come to Singapore to look at some kids do sports? I'm not sure how many Singaporeans are watching the YOG themselves...

MAN-IN-CHARGE: Don't worry, worse case scenario, we'll spend more on advertising and promotion!


What's happening: Govt to spend S$387m on YOG, up from initial estimate of S$122m

Ah Fook finds out why all ATM machines are down islandwide

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

The largest local bank in the country with the most extensive network of 81 branches and more than 900 ATMs just had a technical glitch. Ah Fook went to visit its CEO to find out what was happening.

AH FOOK: Mr CEO, what happened? Why all ATMs cannot work, internet banking cannot work, mobile banking cannot work, even NETS also cannot work using your bank's card!

LOCAL BANK CEO: Yes I know there was some problem in the morning and our IT did not know what to do when the ATMs, internet banking and mobile banking are down at the same time, because we were, frankly, a little bit caught off-guard by what happened. But after just 4 hours of down time, the system is up and running now.

AH FOOK: But why got system failure? Your IT don't do system maintenance one meh?

LOCAL BANK CEO: Of course we do! The last time the IT did a system check was in 2002 when a Chinese computer hacker broke into 21 Internet bank accounts and escaped with a S$62,000 cash haul. You need to understand that system check is not something they need to do on a very regular basis.

AH FOOK: From the hacking incident to this island-wide-everything-electronics-down incident, don't you think something is wrong with your banking system?

LOCAL BANK CEO: Ah Fook, you need to understand. It is not realistic to expect a banking system to be completely free of bugs. To do so would require huge amount of investment to upgrade our system with the latest technology which will not be 100% utilised most of the time.

AH FOOK: Erm... ok... but has the IT came back with the reason for the glitch anyway?

LOCAL BANK CEO: Not yet, but I heard it has something to do with a blue screen.

AH FOOK: Blue screen? What OS are your banking system servers using?

LOCAL BANK CEO: The latest Windows 3.1!


What's happening: DBS online banking crashes

Ah Fook thinks all these usage-based pricing are just rip offs!

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

When Ah Fook arrived at his favourite cafe, he was surprised to find it not as crowded as it usually is. He was even more surprised by most of the patrons actually leaving abruptly and emptying their tables in hurry. As Ah Fook ordered his favourite coffee from the counter, he tried to find out what was going on...

AH FOOK: Hey, today like not so crowded hor?

CAFE STAFF: Yah, ever since we implemented the ETP, we don't find people hogging the tables too long anymore. See? You don't find students studying or insurance agents selling around here anymore!

AH FOOK: Yah! Now that you mentioned! But... what is this ETP?

CAFE STAFF: It stands for Electronic Table Pricing. You see those little timers on each table?

AH FOOK: Yap! They look like those timers used in chess tournaments! What are they for?

CAFE STAFF: Since July first, we're implementing time-based dining in our cafe, you know, like the distance-based bus and train fares, and the future distance-based ERP for cars? So this is how it works... the moment you sit down at your table, the timer will start counting, and you'll be charged based on how long you use the table.

AH FOOK: What?! Why must I pay for using the table? I'm already paying for the coffee leh! So it's more expensive to drink coffee at your cafe now lor!

CAFE STAFF: Hahaha... no, no, Sir, don't worry! This is not a price hike, in fact, it is a price reduction! Because of the time-based pricing, we've reduced the prices of all our beverages! See! The price of your favourite latte is already more than $1 cheaper!

AH FOOK: Oh... hmm... ok, it sounds fair then... ok, gimme one regular latte.

CAFE STAFF: Ok, that will be just $2!

AH FOOK: So... what is the rate for using the table?

CAFE STAFF: Oh, it's just 50 cents per minute!

AH FOOK: Har?! Wait! Which means if I spend just 10 minutes drinking my hot latte, I need to pay $5 on top of the $2 I've already paid?! So a cup of latte is now $7?! Oui! This is a price hike what!


What's happening: Distance-based bus, train fares from tomorrow
LTA studying alternative to ERP system

Lakeside Mazu curses Ah Fook and all for eating the giant garoupa

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

Ah Fook can't help but find that this World Cup is way too weird... Italy out? France out? And even England can't make it to the quarter-finals? Ah Fook knows something must be wrong, maybe some African voodoo is in play! So in order to protect his investment in the Singapore Pools, Ah Fook decided to pray to the Lakeside Mazu.

AH FOOK: Oh the Mighty Lakeside Mazu, please listen to my prayers and grant my wishes!

LAKESIDE MAZU: What? Another pastor?

AH FOOK: No, no! I'm not a pastor and I don't have a celebrity wife living in Hollywood! I'm here to pray for my team to win in the World Cup!

LAKESIDE MAZU: Are you from South Korea? Japan?

AH FOOK: No, no, I'm from Singapore...

LAKESIDE MAZU: What? It can't be! A few years ago, one of your ministers did look for me, and asked for something like Goal 2010, but I didn't grant him his wish because he wanted me to grant him his wish cheaper, better and faster! How greedy! So no! There is no way for the Singapore team to enter the World Cup!

AH FOOK: No, no, we didn't enter the World Cup, that's why we support different country teams all over the world during the World Cup! We love supporting other country teams so much that we'll even pay ninety bucks to watch them play!

LAKESIDE MAZU: Whatever! Even if it's not for winning the World Cup, do not expect me to grant any Singaporean any wish!

AH FOOK: Oh Mighty Lakeside Mazu, why do you hate us so much?

LAKESIDE MAZU: Because you people catch my general and eat him up!

AH FOOK: Er... your general? I know we're guilty for trying to bear paws from food show and we're even the suspect that force the Sri Lanka crabs into extinction, but we're not cannibals leh...

LAKESIDE MAZU: Oh yeah? You think I don't know is it? Don't forget that I'm the Mighty Lakeside Mazu! Your people caught my 150 kilogrammes and 2 metres long General Garoupa and is now selling him at $20 per dish! How dare you!

AH FOOK: Oh! So that's your general! Er... but we the citizens of Singapore plague ourselves to eat all seafood that is unique and overpriced leh!

LAKESIDE MAZU: Well, then you Singaporeans shall be cursed! I curse that Singapore can never be flood free! I curse that you shall have more heavy downpour and thunderstorms! MUAHAHAHAHA!


What's happening: Restaurant dishes out giant garoupa

Ah Fook knows why everyone is pissed with the Editor and her Hurricane boyfriend

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

Some aunty called Sumoko is damn pissed with the "netizens" (yap, the mainstream media people call all the people who tweet, blog, search and surf the internet "netizens". Even if an old aunty only knows how to read emails also called "netizen").

AUNTY SUMOKO: Ah Fook, this is damn unfair! Why are all these netizens calling me awful names? I don't even know them, and I definitely didn't do anything to offend them!

AH FOOK: You did.

AUNTY SUMOKO: What? What did I do?

AH FOOK: Because the newspapers calls you the Carrie Bradshaw of Singapore, because the article of your marriage is occupying a super big page, and because you are on breaking news, all these reasons when nobody knows who you are!

AUNTY SUMOKO: Hey! I'm Singapore's most famous single woman and I'm a Newspapers Editor okay! If Sun Ho can be considered a Hollywood celebrity, why can't people see me as a Singapore Celebrity?

AH FOOK: Er... because not that many people has read the things that you write?

AUNTY SUMOKO: But not everybody has bought Sun Ho's album!

AH FOOK: Okay, one more reason. Because your to-be-hubby is called Hurricane.

AUNTY SUMOKO: What's wrong with his name Hurricane?!

AH FOOK: You see, these days, the words "heavy rain", "thunderstorm" and "freak flood" are very sensitive. People are sick of swimming to shops at Orchard River, or stuck in the expressways because of floods. Then suay suay when we have a flood again today, the newspapers decided to announce that you're getting married to your boyfriend "Hurricane"! Wah, I tell you har, after the rain and the drains, the Ministry of Freak Floods is going to blame your boyfriend for the flood this time!

AUNTY SUMOKO: All these stupid reasons for calling me names?!

AH FOOK: All that and also Orchard Road didn't flood again and the Singapore Twitterverse is kinda bored on a Friday afternoon.


Check out how #sumikotan is not Carrie Bradshaw!

Ah Fook visits his lazy journalist friend

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

It was raining cats and dogs again in Singapore. But Ah Fook was surprised to find his journalist friend sleeping at home instead of getting out there to get the news of the latest flood.

LAZY REPORTER: Wah, Ah Fook, why are you dressed like the Human Charsiew Bun Killer?

AH FOOK: Your head lah! You can't expect me to dress up when there is a thunderstorm outside right?

LAZY REPORTER: Oh yah, it's sure going to flood again.

AH FOOK: Well, it's already flooding! And why are you still in bed? Don't need to report the latest flood area meh? Don't need to go take picture meh?

LAZY REPORTER: Aiyah, relac man! I'm already doing my job as we speak!

AH FOOK: Er... by lazing on your bed?

LAZY REPORTER: No, I've already posted on the Twitter to tell the public to upload all their flood photos onto our server. Got video better still! See!



So later after lunch, I just have to go pull out all the pictures and look around what have been tweeted, and I can come up with the best report liao! Smart right?

AH FOOK: Er... like that also can meh? Don't have copyright meh?

LAZY REPORTER: Aiyah! Internet where got copyright one? All the stuff there are free for take what!

AH FOOK: Erm... but like that not quite right leh...

LAZY REPORTER: It's okay one lah! Even the big brother newspaper also doing that what! Don't believe me, you go check out this link on the last Orchard flood lor! Their photos are all from Stomp and the internet! We must learn how to work smart, not work hard, okay!

See Flash floods wreak havoc reported by the Straitstimes.com

Ah Fook joins his friend as Litter-Free Ambassador

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

Ah Fook and his friend Leia are among the first batch of Litter-Free Ambassadors authorised to fight litter louts around Singapore.

AH FOOK: Damn, I forgot to bring my lightsaber.

LEIA: Ah Fook, we're not going to hit anybody. Not even a slap on the wrist.

AH FOOK: Then why are you holding a shield?

LEIA: I'll need it when I catch someone littering.

AH FOOK: To smack them on the head the moment you find them throwing rubbish on the floor?

LEIA: Ah Fook! Aiyo! No! We're not even authorised to issue fines! Our job is only to spread the anti-littering message. To advise people not to litter.

AH FOOK: Har? We're only authorised to advise? What make them listen to us? I mean, we're not Environment Officer leh, we might even kena handam for being such a KPO!

LEIA: That's why I need this shield mah, just in case... Oh, but I think I can handle this one just fine.

Leia walked over to a young MDIS student who just left his plastic cup on the bench and started to walk off. She pointed at the plastic cup and repeated the sentence "Please don't any how throw rubbish" continuously until he pulled his hair in despair. He then hurriedly picked up the plastic cup to throw into a nearby rubbish bin.

AH FOOK: Wah, do you have to nag at him like a mother?

LEIA: If not then how? How else do you think these people will listen to us?

AH FOOK: Hey Leia, that big-size Ah Beng with big tattoos has just thrown his cigarette butt onto the ground. I guess this is when you need the shield.

LEIA: No, Ah Fook. I think we need your lightsaber.


What's happening: Litter-free ambassadors hit the hotspots

Ah Fook considers renting a dragonboat to go Orchard Road

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

After a morning of heavy downpour, the prestigious Orchard Road is finally flooded. No, not with shoppers going to the Great Singapore Sale, but really flooded with real rain water.

Now is the time when it doesn't matter whether you drive a Picanto or a BMW, because they will be just as stuck in the water.

Now is also the time when all the Hermes bags and Starbucks coffee and pirated Xboxes and PS3s got mixed together, washed into the big Orchard River together and forever.

But today is Dumpling Festival leh... Ah Fook promised his mom he'll get her the $38 abalone dumpling from the famous hotel! And wait! This coming weekend is Father's Day and Ah Fook hasn't get anything for his dad yet! With Orchard Road turned into Orchard River, how is he going to achieve these two super important tasks?!

Luckily Ah Fook is not stupid. The smart Ah Fook decided to rent a boat to row down Orchard River and do his Great Singapore Sale shopping. And since it is the Dumpling Festival, of course Ah Fook will get a dragonboat!

Ah Fook took part in "Name Singapore pandas" contest

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

A nationwide naming contest has started to name the pair of pandas that China has promised to loan Singapore in 2011. The pair of male and female pandas will be staying in the hot and humid Singapore for 10 years. Though other countries might find it impossible for the pandas to survive in the hot and humid Singapore, like any other Singaporeans, Ah Fook is well aware that Singapore is actually the most suitable country for the pandas to consider migration! The pandas can be rest assured that they will have a controlled cold and dry environment waiting for them! And if the air-con is too cold for them, they can wear winter clothing like the other Singapore office workers!

Back to the naming contest, Ah Fook and friends were trying to think of a suitable name for the pandas...

KIMONO GAL: Let's name them D'noir and D'blanc! It means black and white in French! Cute right!

AH FOOK: Har? Why French? These pandas are from China leh!

KIMONO GAL: Why not? French names are classy mah! We name our condos Montebleu and L'viv also what! It's not as if these condos are built by the French! We didn't name our condos Uccaghara and Maharigaghara because the banglas built them right?

AH FOOK: Then lagi cannot! If we're already naming so many things in French, then there must be alot of people sending in French names as well! Then our names are not unique anymore!

FOOTBALL CRAZE GUY: No, no, no... let's name them after the table tennis players who won the world championship for Singapore! One will be Tianwei, the other Yuegu!

AH FOOK: That sounds right! I mean... these pandas are from China, and those players are from China too!

KIMONO GAL: I don't think it's a good idea.

FOOTBALL CRAZE GUY: Why not? Chinese names for Chinese pandas what!

KIMONO GAL: Hello? Our Singapore Chinese players beat the China Chinese players! To name the pandas that they loan us with the names of players that beat them... very politically incorrect right?

FOOTBALL CRAZE GUY: Oh yah...

KIMONO GAL: Some more, how can you give the male panda a female name? You should know how much our gahmen hate gays right? We're one of the few remaining countries that still have Section 377A of the Penal Code!

FOOTBALL CRAZE GUY: Oh yah hor!

AH FOOK: Actually... I think I might just have the best names for these pandas... Why don't we name them Gong-Panda and Mu-Panda?

KIMONO GAL: Er... as in "Male Panda" and "Female Panda"?

AH FOOK: Yah! Good right? They are symbolic in meaning and easy to pronounce! And by using the Chinese "Gong" and "Mu" instead of "Male" and "Female", it reflects the close relationship between Singapore and China!

KIMONO GAL: But isn't that a bit too... like... straight forward?

AH FOOK: Got meh? We also named the shopping center at 313 Orchard Road 313@Somerset and the low cost terminal as Budget Terminal what!

FOOTBALL CRAZE GUY: Yah, yah! And we renamed Marina Bay as Marina Bay! Remember?


What's happening: Nationwide contest to name two giant pandas arriving in S'pore 2011

Ah Fook was confused by the confused sales people at PC Show

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

Together with the rest of the geek population, Ah Fook went to the overcrowded PC Show during the weekends. He knew that there is a computer show every three months, but just like the other computer-addicts, he'll still go for every single one. And though there is a computer show every three months, Ah Fook could still find something to spend on.

After Ah Fook bought a HD media player without WiFi, he searched around for a wireless adapter to make it... well, wireless. But then Ah Fook found out that not all sales people at the show knows what they're selling...

AH FOOK: Hi, do you have wireless adapter that I can use to turn my HD media player wireless?
SALESPERSON A: What is a media player?

AH FOOK: Hi, do you have wireless adapter?
SALESPERSON B: Yes, we have a wireless-G adapter for (blah, blah, blah), and a wireless-N adapter for (blah, blah, blah)... (and continues till he finished reading from the flyer)
AH FOOK: So can I use for my media player?
SALESPERSON B: Er... I don't know.

AH FOOK: Hi, do you have wireless adapter for HD media players?
SALESPERSON C: Er... wait har! (went to look for help)

After a few searches, finally a more professional-looking salesperson managed to answer the tough question with a typical answer.

SALESPERSON D: Oh... you have to check with the media player people you know, because only they will know whether their player support wireless adapter or not.


What's happening: Thousands turn up at Suntec for the annual PC Show which ends on Sunday

Ah Fook had the wrong buzz at the YOG event

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

"Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, HEY!"

Ah Fook has agreed to help his friend out at the event in the heartlands, and it appeared all the hardware were in place for the huge event!

AH FOOK: Wow! This is fun!

COMMUNITY ENVOY: Yap! Like in all NDPs, we always manage to get everything set up and ready to go way before the event!

AH FOOK: Way before? Ahahahaha! Friend, you sleeping ah? Tomorrow night's the opening match already!

COMMUNITY ENVOY: What tomorrow night? We're about two months away!

AH FOOK: Yah lah! Tomorrow is the opening match! South Africa vs Mexico! You can trust me on this! I can't be wrong with the dates when there are only 4 free matches!

COMMUNITY ENVOY: Er... Ah Fook, are you talking about the World Cup?

AH FOOK: Aber then?

COMMUNITY ENVOY: I'm talking about the YOG.

AH FOOK: Huh? YOG?

COMMUNITY ENVOY: Yah, YOG. The Youth Olympics Games.

AH FOOK: Oh... so this event is to promote the YOG? Not the World Cup?

COMMUNITY ENVOY: No, Ah Fook. And in the first place why should we promote the World Cup? It's not even organised by our country!

AH FOOK: No mah, because this time the cable TVs overcharged us and made the whole World Cup so sour, so I thought they trying to organise some happy events to make eveyone happy mah...

COMMUNITY ENVOY: No Ah Fook, this is a YOG event to light up the buzz in the heartland. Because it appears that not much people are in the mood yet. Erm... I think some don't even know we've got the YOG...

AH FOOK: Oh don't worry lah! Everyone is aware of the YOG! I've seen the YOG goodies selling at NTUC supermarkets, 7-ll stores and even at petrol stations!

COMMUNITY ENVOY: Really? I didn't know that! I thought the souvenirs are sold only at a couple of locations?

AH FOOK: No, it's everywhere! In fact, I've even bought one of the mascot soft toys!

COMMUNITY ENVOY: Cool! Which one did you buy? The blue Merlion or red lion?

AH FOOK: No lah, I bought the green and yellow lion!

COMMUNITY ENVOY: Green and yellow lion?

AH FOOK: Yap! So kawaii!

COMMUNITY ENVOY: Ah Fook, our mascots are only the blue Merlion and red lion, but no green and yellow lion.

AH FOOK: No green and yellow lion? But that's what I see everywhere!

COMMUNITY ENVOY: That is the South Africa World Cup mascot.

AH FOOK: Oh...

COMMUNITY ENVOY: ...

AH FOOK: Hey, don't keep playing the JJ cheer song leh, play the other one, the Waka Waka one!

COMMUNITY ENVOY: Waka Waka?

AH FOOK: Yah! The one by Shakira lah!


For those as confused as Ah Fook, this is the FIFA World Cup 2010 South Africa theme song, Waka Waka by Shakira:


"Minnasan, karewa this time for Africa!"


And this is the Youth Olympics Games 2010 Singapore theme song, You Are The One, Singapore by JJ:


"Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, HEY!"

Ah Fook checks on the pastor who is taking a break

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

While all mega-churches are under investigation, Ah Fook was surprised to find his pastor friend missing in the church’s usual service as well! So the concerned Ah Fook decided to pay the pastor a visit. Upon reaching the pastor's house, Ah Fook found him lying lazily on his feather bed.

AH FOOK: Hey Pastor, what's happening? Why you MIA from the church service?

PASTOR: Oh Fook! So nice of you to come visit me! Yawn~ oh I'm taking a well-needed break now.

AH FOOK: Ohh... so your Caesar Empire Church also kena investigation?

PASTOR: Well... I'll say just usual checks by the authorities, nothing alarming. My church is clean, okay! Unlike those suspicious mega-churches that build $47 million church in Jurong and go around buying huge shopping and convention complex! And we also don't open up expensive boutique houses that sell high-end fashion to our brothers and sisters yeh!

AH FOOK: So your church don't have a large reserve or make huge investments like those mega-churches?

PASTOR: Of course not! We believe in maintaining just enough for surviving. You know, the Lord has taught us not to be greedy! Yes we do have some savings in some Swiss bank and we've made some investments in property, F&B, fashion, construction, manufacturing and music, but that's all! Oops, sorry, lemme get a call (Pastor picked up the phone) Hi Sheikh Mohammed, so nice to hear from you! Oh... oh yes, I want the whole of Europe islands in the World. No! No I don't care who else is bidding for it, whatever they're paying, I'll give you ten folds. Yes... yes, please lemme know again! Shukran! (Pastor hang up) Sorry Fook!

AH FOOK: No worries! Wow, you're buying some land in Dubai?

PASTOR: Just a small investment, nothing big like the Suntec City! You must understand, any organisation that wants to do anything on a large scale needs a large amount of finances, be it charity work or even day-to-day administration. It's not like all the money will go into my pocket you know?

AH FOOK: Ok cool! Cos for a second, I was thinking where your new Ferrari comes from...

PASTOR: Ah... Fook, I see the need to make it clear. I have not been receiving any salary from my church, just allowance, you know? Just some token as appreciation of the time and effort I put into running the church. Nothing as much as what the ministers are getting, I can assure you that.

AH FOOK: So... again, why are you taking a break har?

PASTOR: Actually I've got no idea too... but since my lawyers advised me to take a break and not give any comments to anyone...


What's happening: Pastor Kong Hee ‘takes a break’