Pastor complains to Ah Fook about the new restrictions on using commercial premises

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

When Ah Fook met up with the Pastor, he was in a foul and shocked mood.

PASTOR: Ah Fook, this is not fair man! This is not fair!

AH FOOK: Father, what is not fair?

PASTOR: The new guidelines on use of commercial properties for religious activities! It's obviously prejudiced against us!

AH FOOK: What happened? What is the new guidelines saying? You can't host services in commercial spaces anymore?

PASTOR: No, they don't dare! But it isn't any better. The new guidelines say that we cannot use more than 20 per cent of a commercial space total gross floor area for religious use, and we also can't use the space for more than two days a week, including Saturday and Sunday! This is so restrictive! And you know what? We still have to take care not to cause disturbances like noise, traffic or parking problems!

AH FOOK: Wow! Which means your guys can't illegal park at the road side to block everybody's way anymore?

PASTOR: And Ah Fook! These guidelines have to come out after we've forked out millions to buy over a giant shopping complex!

AH FOOK: Oh yah! That must really affect your plans!

PASTOR: Definitely! I've wanted to transform all shops in the complex to sell Christian books and accessories! The cinemas to only screen Christian productions! In 3D! For the huge convention halls, I've wanted to replace all those over-abundant computer shows with talks conducted by our religious leaders, replace the book fairs with Christian book fairs! In fact, I was so happy that Carrefour is getting out of the complex because I thought I could use that space for more religious activities to save more souls! Oh, and I was so planning to take away that sinful fountain!

AH FOOK: That iconic fountain? Why is it sinful? Looks nice what...

PASTOR: Ah Fook, the people believes that the fountain's Feng Shui will give them wealth. This is against our teachings. Feng Shui is superstitious and sinful.

AH FOOK: Oh... then I can't go there to touch the water before I go buy Toto anymore...

PASTOR: Ah Fook, personally I'm a little bit confounded as to the real reason behind this because I found that we have always been living within guidelines. Besides the usual insults and jokes we talked about other religions during services and on Youtube, we actually respect the other religions. But I guess we're sabotaged this time. Some people must have complained about us and thus the new guidelines.

AH FOOK: Hmm... I think this is unavoidable lah... You guys so high profile, like getting more and more rich and powerful like that, other people sure will be unhappy one.

PASTOR: But Ah Fook, this is not going to stop us and our faith! We've always found our own solution; in other words we go and make commercial arrangements and this means we actually pay much more than what we would if we expect someone or the government to make provision for us. Don't worry, all we've got is money!


What's happening: New guidelines on use of commercial properties for religious activities

How to make a 3-in-1 TVC out of A Girl's Hope

A Girl's Hope - Family TVC by MCYS



So now we know. Besides all the shelves of 3-in-1 coffee/tea/Milo you find in the supermarkets, we have also got 3-in-1 TVC now.

This is when you try to tell people family is important, so please send your own daughter to school and sack your maid; YOG is coming soon, so please go support and buy tickets; and this year NDP theme is "Live Our Dreams", all in the same TVC, all in 1:52 minutes.

Never mind in the end the message of "Family" is more lost than Lost.

Never mind the mention of "YOG" is more abrupt than Jack Neo apologising about his private affair in someone else's concert.

Never mind the story twist from "Hope" to "Live Our Dreams" is more twisted than the storyline in Desperate Housewives.

Actually since they were at it, maybe they should also have added the following scenes...

• Mother and daughter take a longer walk to the bus-stop, to pass by some workers working on the drainage.
  
  Daughter: Mummy, what is that smell and noise?
  Mother: They're working on the drains, darling.
  Daughter: Why do they work on the drains?
  Mother: So that Singapore will not be flooded again when it rains.


• Mother and daughter board the bus and mother taps her ezlink card on the reader.
  
  Daughter: Mummy, why do we change so many different buses?
  Mother: Because we're now using distance-based fare, darling.
  Daughter: Why do we do that? Is it cheaper?
  Mother: It is not cheaper, but betterer for the transport companies.

Luckily we can still be touched by the little girl.

Ah Fook wonders why do police handcuff people taking picture of flood

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

Ah Fook heard that his police friend has finally got the chance to use his handcuffs on someone outside his bedroom! He handcuffed a 57-year-old veteran photojournalist taking picture of the flood! How brave!

AH FOOK: Hey! I read that you handcuffed an old reporter! Tell me what happened!

POLICEMAN: Oh! That idiot! I tell you har, he damn pissed me off lor, if not I won't have used my handcuffs!

AH FOOK: What did he do? Did he really cause obstruction to the police and caused danger to himself and others, like what the police statement released?

POLICEMAN: Har? They released that? Wow... I thought that kind of statement only appears in CSI.

AH FOOK: Er... so he didn't really caused obstruction lor?

POLICEMAN: I won't really say he caused obstruction lah, I mean, the road is so wide, there wasn't really any traffic and there was just the few of us walking around... but I just don't like to see him standing there.

AH FOOK: Because he was standing on somewhere dangerous? I read he was standing over some drain or manhole, so you were actually trying to save him from causing danger himself?

POLICEMAN: Save him? Oh yes! Yes I was trying to save him! You see har, this idiot was standing in a flooded area and on the manhole! Scali he fall down how? Then we have to call the ambulance you know? It's not like we're very free lor! We really don't need that kind of extra work!

AH FOOK: But how is this man standing over a manhole causing danger to others as well?

POLICEMAN: Of course he was causing danger to others! You see, like say he falls down, then there will be some kaypoh people around who try to help him. Then scali instead of helping him, they also fall down then how? See! He was causing danger to others!

AH FOOK: That's true... but still, handcuffing him seems kinda serious leh...

POLICEMAN: Ah Fook, I tell you lah, that morning I was already damn sianz. Saturday morning leh! I was supposed to be having breakfast and sipping my kopi in the station as usual and because of that stupid rain I had to be on the road! In the rain! Already damn DL liao! So this man is really at the wrong place at the wrong time lor!


What's happening: Photographer handcuffed
摄影主任被上手铐事件：摄记3点澄清　反驳警方答复

How 100,000 extra foreign workers destroyed Pharaoh Fook the Second

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

Long long time ago, Ah Fook's ancestor was one of the short-lived pharaoh of ancient Egypt. Pharaoh Fook the Second had taken his crown from his father Pharaoh Fook the First, and had ruled the kingdom for a couple of years. But alas! Nobody had expected that in the year of 2010BC when ancient Egypt had a record growth year, the whole kingdom was literally wiped off from the face of earth! This was what actually happened a few months before the great disaster...

PHARAOH FOOK II: What an exceptional year, my queen! Ah! Double-digit growth this year, I see!

QUEEN CLEOPRATA II: Ah! More wigs, jewelry, and cosmetics!

PHARAOH FOOK II: Ah! Of course, my queen! But first, more bonus for my officers and generals!

QUEEN CLEOPRATA II: And how will the people benefit from the growth? Less tax?

PHARAOH FOOK II: Oh no, my queen! Did the royal physician give you some medicine so wrong? We never lower our tax! We tax more to help the poor! And for the rest of the people, we need to press them on with more restructuring and improving productivity to sustain long-term growth!

QUEEN CLEOPRATA II: Yes, my pharaoh the intelligent one! Work harder and betterer our workers will, so that we have more growth!

PHARAOH FOOK II: Ah, more foreign workers we will need. But the numbers we must also manage, so that the people complain will not! Only more than 100,000 extra foreign workers I see this year. I cannot see otherwise, and we have to accept that.

QUEEN CLEOPRATA II: 100,000 extra foreign workers, you said, my pharaoh? Do we have 100,000 jobs for them?

PHARAOH FOOK II: Yes, my queen! More pyramids we will build, more palaces we will have! More road works, more historical places to pull down for more private houses! And a temple to worship me is in the plan!

QUEEN CLEOPRATA II: But my pharaoh, will the roads not be too crowded? Public transport even more crowded? Will there be enough tables during lunch time?

PHARAOH FOOK II: More people of course more crowded. I cannot see otherwise, and we have to accept that.

QUEEN CLEOPRATA II: But my pharaoh, more jobs snatched from the locals will there be? More unhappiness will there be?

PHARAOH FOOK II: More money put into integration I foresee, a couple more millions perhaps. I cannot see otherwise, and we have to accept that.


And so Pharaoh Fook the Second proceeded to bring in 100,000 more foreign workers into the little land of ancient Egypt. The whole place became too crowded everywhere and every time. The people became too unhappy and very easily irritated by the most minor event. Crime rate went up, productivity went down. The whole country was in a mess. Then one day, without warning, the whole country collapsed and sank into the sea! Alas, the little land of ancient Egypt could not take the load of 100,000 extra foreign workers! But luckily a few managed to escape from the country before it sank, including Fook the Third. Or else there won't be Ah Fook anymore!


What's happening: 2010 will be record growth year for Singapore: PM Lee

Ah Fook visits Australian pole-dancer cum ex-stripper performing at YOG

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

Ah Fook heard that a former Sydney stripper has been chosen to choreograph part of the opening ceremony for the Youth Olympic Games in Singapore. Apparently when the organisers said they wanted the YOG opening to be the "The Best Show on Earth in 2010", they were really serious and not drunk. Excited how the organisers have gone the extra extra miles to make sure the people have a reason to pay and watch the opening ceremony, Ah Fook paid a visit to the Australian Pole-dancer to find out more.

AH FOOK: Hey babe! Welcome to Singapore!

AUSTRALIAN POLE-DANCER: Thanks mate! I'm so thrilled to be invited! Seriously, I've never imagined I could make an international career out of exotic dance!

AH FOOK: Yah, good for you! So how's the preparation coming along?

AUSTRALIAN POLE-DANCER: Oh, twenty podiums and poles will be erected among the seating at the giant stadium, just 5m above the audience. You know, the organisers are really going lengths to make the stadium look as much like a strip club as possible, isn't it fantastic?

AH FOOK: Er... babe, I don't really care about the stadium. The most important thing is, how's the preparation of the girls? Have you found the strippers... oops, sorry, I meant dancers?

AUSTRALIAN POLE-DANCER: Ah, this is actually the difficult part. Not too many girls are doing pole dancing in Singapore so we have to start from scratch. I've got to teach the girls the very basics, and that really takes time. Teaching them how to strip would have been easier but unfortunately that is not part of the program.

AH FOOK: What? No stripping in the opening ceremony? Walauz...

AUSTRALIAN POLE-DANCER: Yah, it's a shame... But it seems pole-dancing is not really popular in Singapore yeh?

AH FOOK: Yah, but don't worry, I'm sure things will get better. After pole-dancing is performed in the previous NDP, and now in YOG, I'm sure Singapore will make a serious commitment to it and make sure pole-dancing becomes a national activity.

AUSTRALIAN POLE-DANCER: What? How do you make pole-dancing a national activity?

AH FOOK: Oh, we're good at that! We can start by replacing all the line dancing classes in CCs to pole dancing. I'm sure the aunties are sick of wearing cowboy hats and skirts by now and will wanna try something more exciting! Hey, and this will also attract more uncles too! Better for them to hang around in CCs than drinking beers at kopitiams right?

AUSTRALIAN POLE-DANCER: Aunties doing pole-dancing? Hmm... that might not be a good sight... but I do agree pole-dancing does benefit them more than the robotic line dancing. At least they'll be more flexible...

AH FOOK: And the ministers can also make use of pole-dancing to mingle with the people! Like mass pole-dancing! And knowing how we like to take things to extreme, we might be able to gather so many people that we break the world's record in the number of people in a mass pole-dance!

AUSTRALIAN POLE-DANCER: Damn, that's a good idea! Actually I too think that pole-dancing is good for Singaporeans, you know? It might help to bring up the falling birthrate of Singapore!

AH FOOK: Oh... yah hor... maybe this is the real reason why we're promoting pole-dancing?

AUSTRALIAN POLE-DANCER: Anyway, if pole-dancing gets popular in Singapore, it is really good for me and my co-workers, because we could consider migrating over!


What's happening: Pole-dancing Bobbi to open Youth Olympic Games in Singapore

Ah Fook asks Man-in-Charge why is the YOG budget busted

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

Just about one month before the YOG started, the committee suddenly realised money not enough and the budget has to be tripled. Ah Fook went to meet up with the Man-in-Charge to find out why were they caught off guard.

AH FOOK: Sir, what happened? How come now then you all realise that you have bite off more than you can chew?

MAN-IN-CHARGE: No, you must understand, it's not our fault. There was no precedent, no template, nothing! Maybe we were a bit naive with our initial estimates, but we're doing this for the first time!

AH FOOK: But Sir, you had two whole years to plan leh! And you only find out you don't have enough money like one month before the game starts?

MAN-IN-CHARGE: Er... hmm... erm... Well, at first we tried to plan it like a school sports day, then someone brought up that serving Milo and hanging the usual bright colour triangular flags is a bit too petty. Then we tried to plan it like a NDP, then someone brought up that YOG is more than just the opening and closing ceremony. So now we're trying to see how we can plan it like an international event. It's not easy, you know? All these meetings are very time consuming!

AH FOOK: Oh... so you guys didn't see it coming when you bid for it...

MAN-IN-CHARGE: Hey, how will we know that we need to spend so much money? Do you know that we need to give out S$260 million worth of contracts to local companies for events and exhibition services alone!

AH FOOK: Er... what events and exhibitions? I don't see anything around my neighbourhood leh!

MAN-IN-CHARGE: There are plenty! You just have to look hard enough! And we also need to contract out to transport company to provide private charter for the contestants! At first we thought we can ask them to take the world-class MRT, but it seems not practical now as the trains are always overcrowded.

AH FOOK: And to spend money to draw all the "Give Way" signs on all the roads...

MAN-IN-CHARGE: That too! Initially we wanted to put "Fine if don't give way" too, but I was told these are too many words to be put in one lane. Oh, and also we need to contract out to food company to cater food for the contestants and staff! At first we thought we can order KFC like we always do for NDP rehearsals, but then we were told too much fried chicken can be too heaty for sports athletes.

AH FOOK: Yah, I can imagine it's difficult to swallow fried chicken after exercising under our hot sun!

MAN-IN-CHARGE: Anyway, plus some spending here and there, we eventually added up to S$387 million.

AH FOOK: That's a lot of money...

MAN-IN-CHARGE: I know, but look, this is an once-in-a lifetime opportunity to raise the international profile of the country through the Journey of the Youth Olympic Flame in all five continents, and broadcasting the Games 'live' to a worldwide audience. My experts said that the value of YOG and Singapore' exposure in local and international news coverage is estimated to be in excess of S$86 million! Singapore will get famous, you know?

AH FOOK: Er... and then? So what does it mean to commoners like me?

MAN-IN-CHARGE: Hey, we need to look at the big picture! The YOG is opening up opportunities for Singapore businesses and Singaporeans, and furthermore, it is expected to attract an estimated 40,000 foreign visitors and tourism receipts of about S$57 million!

AH FOOK: You sure so many visitors will come to Singapore to look at some kids do sports? I'm not sure how many Singaporeans are watching the YOG themselves...

MAN-IN-CHARGE: Don't worry, worse case scenario, we'll spend more on advertising and promotion!


What's happening: Govt to spend S$387m on YOG, up from initial estimate of S$122m

Ah Fook finds out why all ATM machines are down islandwide

(Picture in courtesy of Pet Society)

The largest local bank in the country with the most extensive network of 81 branches and more than 900 ATMs just had a technical glitch. Ah Fook went to visit its CEO to find out what was happening.

AH FOOK: Mr CEO, what happened? Why all ATMs cannot work, internet banking cannot work, mobile banking cannot work, even NETS also cannot work using your bank's card!

LOCAL BANK CEO: Yes I know there was some problem in the morning and our IT did not know what to do when the ATMs, internet banking and mobile banking are down at the same time, because we were, frankly, a little bit caught off-guard by what happened. But after just 4 hours of down time, the system is up and running now.

AH FOOK: But why got system failure? Your IT don't do system maintenance one meh?

LOCAL BANK CEO: Of course we do! The last time the IT did a system check was in 2002 when a Chinese computer hacker broke into 21 Internet bank accounts and escaped with a S$62,000 cash haul. You need to understand that system check is not something they need to do on a very regular basis.

AH FOOK: From the hacking incident to this island-wide-everything-electronics-down incident, don't you think something is wrong with your banking system?

LOCAL BANK CEO: Ah Fook, you need to understand. It is not realistic to expect a banking system to be completely free of bugs. To do so would require huge amount of investment to upgrade our system with the latest technology which will not be 100% utilised most of the time.

AH FOOK: Erm... ok... but has the IT came back with the reason for the glitch anyway?

LOCAL BANK CEO: Not yet, but I heard it has something to do with a blue screen.

AH FOOK: Blue screen? What OS are your banking system servers using?

LOCAL BANK CEO: The latest Windows 3.1!


What's happening: DBS online banking crashes