无聊的新加坡式笑话... Boliao Singaporean Jokes #2

面族与肉族之战

Part 1

某天，面条与肉包因为一点小事发生争执，双方还大打出手。但是肉包因为太肉脚，被面条打得落花流水，临走时丢下一句：“有种别走，我去叫兄弟来教训你！”

于是肉包去约了馒头，kopi-boy包，面包等一起去教训面条。在路上大伙儿遇上了Maggi面，肉包等包就围住了Maggi面拳打脚踢一遍。Maggi面被打得不清不楚后，很生气地问肉包为什么打他。肉包回答：“面条，别以为烫了头发，我就不认得你！”

Part 2

话说Maggi面被打了之后很不爽，于是同米粉，乌龙面，炸酱面等去找肉包算账。不料在路上遇到了小笼包，Maggi面一声“兄弟们，上！”就海扁了小笼包。临走时Maggi面生气地说：“几十岁的包了，还学人家穿童装！靠！”

Part 3

小笼包被打后觉得很委屈，就跑去跟菜包，豆沙包，叉烧包诉苦。大伙儿听了都觉得Maggi面太过份了，得教训他一下，于是就去找Maggi面了。途中他们遇上了米粉，就把米粉狠狠地修理了一顿。离去时叉烧包还骂道：“哈！乱打包，得到报应了吧！看你烫头发也会烫坏啦！”

Part 4

米粉被无缘无故打后，心情很郁闷。就去找了面薄，幼面，板面等一起去找包族问个清楚。就快到包店的时候，他们撞见了叉烧包。米粉一看到叉烧包就火了，一声“就是他！”，一堆面就打起了叉烧包。米粉还边打边说：“给我用力打！不要因为他吐血了就心软！”

Part 5

叉烧包被扁后很气，和其他的包族一直都在找机会报仇。有一天，他在街上遇到了意大利面。可是没想到，他们并没打起来，反而成了患难之交。因为他终于找到一个和他一样被打得很彻底的，血流不止的面族同胞...

Part 6

虽然叉烧包已经不想追究被打的事件，包族还是很不爽。一天，菜包，豆沙包，莲蓉包等约了一起去吃火锅。一进门就看到了金针菇。包族们气一上来就不分青红皂白把金针菇打了一顿，留下一句话说：“臭面族，别以为你戴了帽子我们就认不出你来！”

Part 7

包族吃不成火锅，肚子很饿，心情很糟。好死不死在街上看见了薯条在闲逛。包族二话不说，噼里啪啦地拳打脚踢了薯条一顿。豆沙包还骂道：“臭面族，打了人还敢穿得金光闪闪的逛街！欠扁！”

Part 8

薯条被打后就跑去找他的朋友面族。面族们都觉得薯条被打得太没道理了，也觉得很不好意思连累了他。于是河粉，拉面，福建面等就去找包族理论。没想到半路遇上了虾饺，面族一看到就毒打了他一顿。河粉边打边说：“下次隐身术没练好就不要出来丢人现眼！还以为我们看不到半透明的包子！靠！”

Part 9

虾饺被莫名其妙的打了一顿后，越想越不甘心，就约了烧卖，鱼翅角，腐皮卷等一起去找河粉报仇。结果在路上遇到了馃条。他们不由分说地就把馃条打得呼天抢地。只见虾饺喊道：“我丢！别以为你减肥了我就认不得你！”

Part 10

被打的馃条当然不会就此罢休，就叫了兄弟板面，伊面和辛韩国面去找包族算账。到了包族的地盘后，他们就把虾饺，小笼包，肉包等围了起来。正要开打时，法国面包不知从哪冲了出来，一敌四的把面族们打得落荒而逃！望着面族逃跑的背影，法国面包得意洋洋地对肉包说：“馃条真是不长眼睛！也不去打听打听包族里最大条的是谁！”

Part 11

馃条，板面，伊面和辛韩国面狼狈地回到其他面族那里告诉他们关于包族新请来的外国人才法国面包。雄壮的牛肉面就叫人传话给包族说有种的就找一个本地包来跟他单挑，一了百了。包族也不示弱地把土司面包叫了出来。谁知道雄壮的牛肉面和土司面包才打没两下就败下来了。面族很不甘愿地责备牛肉面，而牛肉面却抱怨说：“他们犯规啦！不是说好单挑吗？可是我每打倒一个就多一个帮手！”

Singapore Scenes ... Cantonese Opera Night

乐师们正在为当晚的演出做最后的准备功夫


布帘拉起，演出开始咯~


“女儿啊，天黑黑好像要下雨了，快去收衣服吧！”


“哦？你老爸出门了？”
“嘿嘿~ 是啊！那你想怎样啦？”


老师傅很专心地弹着乐器


“妃子啊，对不起啦，朕还有酱，酱，酱多东西要做，没空陪你了。”
“靠。”


穿着像仙女般的阿婶和她的合音团


蓝色的那条“鞭”代表着这位大侠正骑着马。但是很纳闷为什么粤剧里的鞭的颜色都那么鲜艳呢？


“啊~ 我老公回来了！”
“呵？不是吧？我的鞋呢？”


“然后我就洗衣啦，然后就很累嘛，然后就睡着了，所以就没听到你按门铃...”
“喝！你还真当我是傻的！”


头上长了两条须须的公主


“我们性格不合，分手吧！”
“公主啊~ 别这样子嘛~”

Negarakuku... the banned song by Namewee

This is a song about the real Malaysia... about those "hardworking" policemen that loves coffee, about how the "kind" government takes care of the main race of the country, about the "free-and-easy" work attitude of the main race...

Still don't understand why the government wants his head for this song...

Ping.sg Advertisement 2 - Meet gescheiter Bär

这就是聪明熊。
它被乒了。
你呢？

Ping.sg Advertisement - Meet dummer Bär

My part for the Ping.sg advertisement :)



这就是笨笨熊。
它被乒了。
你呢？

Go give it a try! Create a Ping.sg advertisement to attract more users to your blog!

Your advertisement must meet these criterias:
Size: 600 X 450 pixels
Font: Microsoft Sans Serif, 36, Strong
Font Colour: White
Phrase: Meet XXX. He/She just got Pinged. Have you?

A Ping.sg logo must always be at the top your picture, because... remember? you are helping to advertise Ping.sg! And here is the link to get your logo...ping!

變形香江 Transporters (HK version of Transformers)

This hilarious part 1 will keep you on your toes for part 2! :D Well... of course you need to understand Cantonese!

当初就应该杀错好过错过！ Should have killed them all in the first place!

塔利班那群猪自绑架了那23名韩国人质后已杀害了一名了。他们还说如果阿富汗政府无法满足他们所开出来的条件的话，其他22名人质也难逃一死。

这些禽兽为了逼他们的政府释放那些已经被逮捕的禽兽，已经丢下狠话说他们会继续绑架更多的外国人来做筹码。

"Of course, kidnapping is a very successful policy and I order all my mujahideen to kidnap foreigners of any nationality wherever they find them and then we should do the same kind of deal," Dadullah told the broadcaster.

说来说去这个烂摊还是那个所谓的自称的世界警察美国所留下的。把一大队的美国兵派到这么大老远的烂地还不能搞定这么一小堆垃圾。如果布什这家伙当初可以学成吉思汗那样的强硬手段的话，现在就没有塔利班这群猪了！布什没读过成吉思汗是怎么灭金国和西夏的吗？不就是大屠杀嘛！

没事浪费钱在牢里养那么多禽兽干嘛？没听过格杀勿论吗？为什么要留下这么多人来搞报复？没听过“满门抄斩，后灭九族”吗？唉~ 当初没罪不等于以后不会犯罪嘛！看吧！现在这些禽兽就来搞绑架杀无辜的人质了吧！当初就应该杀错好过错过啦！

无聊的新加坡式笑话... Boliao Singaporean Jokes #1

小小龙投诉女同事A
话说小小龙大学毕业后就到一间GLC上班。做了一个月后他发现女同事A经常迟到早退，于是看不过眼的小小龙就向经理投诉女同事A的不负责任。经理答应他会调查此事，接着就吩咐秘书把女同事A叫过来见他。但是一个星期过了，小小龙发现女同事A还是照样迟到早退，有时还甚至不上班了！而每当他求见经理时，秘书都说经理有事出去了。充满正义感的小小龙太生气了！这次，他写了一封email寄给所有的同事，所有部门的经理，董事长，甚至公司的总裁。在email里他投诉女同事A迟到早退的习惯，和经理包庇下属的不负责任行为。

一个月过了，小小龙发现女同事A不但没被炒鱿鱼，反而还升职了！小小龙气冲冲地闯进女同事A的办公室责问她：“你到底是谁？难道你是哪个部长的女儿吗？”

女同事A微笑着回答：“本来我只是个平民罢了，但多亏你经理和董事长都看上了我。而现在．．．我是总裁的情妇。”

---

大包不见了新娘子
两个大包相爱后结婚了。送走酒席的客人后，大包俩迫不及待地回他们的新家洞房。公大包冲了凉，回到房间后，猛然发现肉丸子坐在床上，而母大包却不见了。他一把抓起肉丸子问道：“我的新娘子呢？跑到哪里去了？”

肉丸子推开公大包的手，半打半骂道：“要死了！人家脱了衣服你就不认识人家了？”

---

为什么有两个碗
在某地铁站旁有个乞丐，每天都在那里乞讨生活。有一天，路人甲忽然发现乞丐身边多了一个碗可是却又没人看着。他好奇地上前去问：“为什么你放两个碗？”

乞丐笑了笑说：“最近生意做大，所以开了间分行。”

---

谁怕谁撞上来
有艘军舰航行在海上。On duty 的CPL 突然发现远方有一点灯光，他立刻报告船长：“Sir，那边有艘船正驶向我们，若再不改航道，就要撞上了！” 船长一听，立即呼叫道：“呼叫呼叫！这是胜利号，请立刻将你们的航道向东移15度！” 对方却回道：“呼叫呼叫！请你们向西移15度！” 船长听了就生气，接着就回道：“我是军舰，你竟敢叫我移？”

对方接着慢条斯理地回道：“我是灯塔，有种你就撞上来吧！”

麻坡的华语 and another unknown song from Namewee

This is another song from Namewee, laughing at the KL Cantonese, Malaysia Malay, and even Singaporeans... yes... this time round the arrow has shot cross the causeway...



This links to the previous song 麻坡的华语

Singapore Scenes ... HDB Heartland

阳光透过云层射进每个窗户，晒到每个贪睡虫的屁股上咯！


大红灯笼高高挂...


其实一直到现在我还是搞不懂为什么晾衣服的竹子要弄得五颜六色呢？


来啊~ 来啊~ 小朋友，来骑我吧！


可能设计师决定不了到底要用橘色，黄色还是白色，所以就干脆三种颜色都用好了！


脚踏车们都出门去了，只留下了孤独的手推车...


组屋楼下的游乐场在早晨的时候显得特别清静...


踩脚踏车的好处是，哪里都可以当停车位！


德士阿叔又要赶去哪里载客呢？


走廊除了可以走，还可以种花，晒衣服，晒小孩上学的白鞋...

Cardboard used to make pork bun in China? Relax...

I guess the whole world got a shock when the news of a food vendor using cardboard to make port bun was revealed in China. And just when our eyes and mouth are still wide opened from this news, something more interesting (but definitely a better news) is discovered...

The Beijing police have detained a television reporter for fabricating that "investigative story" about steamed buns stuffed with cardboard. Yes... those cardboard pork buns are not for real! Phew~

Apparently an employee surnamed Zi had fabricated the report to garner higher audience ratings for the TV program. He actually provided all the cardboard and asked the vendor to soak it. When the police investigated this incident, a city-wide inspection of steamed bun vendors had found no such cases.

Beijing TV had apologized for failing to check the report's authenticity and said it would make efforts to improve staff ethics. Oh well... after they achieved their goal of getting more viewers!

Anyway, this is a copy of how that "investigative story" goes...



Link to the news on Japanese TV

Mandarin cool... so are Japanese and Korean! #2

Lesson 2 - Greetings

Hanyu Pinyin is used as the basic form of pronounciation here, unless otherwise stated. For those not familiar in Hanyu Pinyin (were you sleeping in your Primary school chinese lessons?), these are some illustrations:

a = a as in art
i = i as in ink
u = oo as in cool
e = a as in air
o = aw as in paw
ao = ou as in ouch
an = un as in until



John: Excuse me... (when asking for attention)
Xiao Ming: 不好意思 (bu hao yi si) OR 打扰一下 (da rao yi xia)
Nakamura: すみません (su mi ma sen)
Yong Su: 안녕하세요 (an nyong ha se yo)

John: I'm sorry.
Xiao Ming: 对不起 (dui bu qi)
Nakamura: ごめなさい (go me na sa-i)
Yong Su: 미안해요 (mi an he yo)

John: Thank you!
Xiao Ming: 谢谢 (xie xie)
Nakamura: ありがとうございます (a li ga to-u go za i ma-su)
Yong Su: 감사합니다 (kam sa ham ni da)

John: Good bye!
Xiao Ming: 再见 (zai jian)
Nakamura: さようなら (sa yo-u na ra)
Yong Su: 안녕히 가세요 (an nyong hi ka se yo) OR 안녕히 계세요 (an nyong hi ke se yo)

Note that in Korean, 안녕히 계세요 is said by person who is leaving, while 안녕히 가세요 is said by person who is staying back. :)


Disclaimer: I'm not a Chinese/Japanese/Korean teacher and I'm only sharing what I know. These lessons are not part of any formal text books and you don't get any certifications from learning them. You will not become an expert from these lessons because I'm not any expert myself. The only thing I can guarantee is that your Chinese/Japanese/Korean friend can finally understand what you're trying to say.

Singapore Scenes... NDP Rehearsal from the other side

向左看是国庆日彩排，向右看是鱼尾狮，真是一块风水地啊！


正当每个人被国庆日彩排吸引住时，阿公似乎比较欣赏鱼尾狮喷水的表演。


嘿~ BB你看！会吐口水的鱼尾狮哦！我们家没有的哦！


亲爱的，我怎么看都看不到对面岸的彩排啦！不然让我靠着你的肩上睡一睡好了...


会冒红烟的跳伞员开始在空中起舞了！


啊~ 要降落了！我一定会双脚一起美美的着地，绝对不会有差错的！


孤单的阿婶一个人站在桥上看彩排...


大家只看到精彩华丽的彩排，谁又会看到在幕后默默工作的我们呢？

Mandarin cool... so are Japanese and Korean! #1

Lesson 1 - Greetings

Hanyu Pinyin is used as the basic form of pronounciation here, unless otherwise stated. For those not familiar in Hanyu Pinyin (were you sleeping in your Primary school chinese lessons?), these are some illustrations:

a = a as in art
i = i as in ink
u = oo as in cool
e = a as in air
o = aw as in paw
ao = ou as in ouch
an = un as in until


John: Good morning!
Xiao Ming: 早上好 (zao shang hao) OR 早安 (zao an)
Nakamura: おはようございます (o ha yo-u go za i ma-su)
Yong Su: 안녕하세요 (an nyong ha se yo)

John: Good afternoon!
Xiao Ming: 下午好 (xia wu hao) OR 午安 (wu an)
Nakamura: こんにちは (kon ni chi wa)
Yong Su: 안녕하세요 (an nyong ha se yo)

John: Good evening!
Xiao Ming: 晚上好 (wan shang hao)
Nakamura: こんばんは (kon ban wa)
Yong Su: 안녕하세요 (an nyong ha se yo)

John: How are you?
Xiao Ming: 你好吗(ni hao ma)
Nakamura: おげんきですか(o gen ki de-su ka)
Yong Su: 안녕하세요 (an nyong ha se yo)


Noticed something? Korean's 안녕하세요 is really such an all-in-one! :)


Disclaimer: I'm not a Chinese/Japanese/Korean teacher and I'm only sharing what I know. These lessons are not part of any formal text books and you don't get any certifications from learning them. You will not become an expert from these lessons because I'm not any expert myself. The only thing I can guarantee is that your Chinese/Japanese/Korean friend can finally understand what you're trying to say.

Some headline bad news from our "TOP class" transportation

What is worse than 'drink and drive'?... 'drink and drive people around'!
An SBS Transit driver was arrested for drink driving after the bus he was driving crashed into a lamp-post at the junction of Victoria Street and Ophir Road. The whole bus mounted onto the pedestrian curb outside the Raffles Hospital.

The best part of the story... that guy was drunk early in the morning at 9:30am! Luckily even at such working hours, there are only 4 passengers. And even luckier, these 4 passengers are not injured, just scared to death.

So friend, don't complain any more about your bus driver driving too fast/slow. Be thankful that at least he is not drunk!


And we thought that the October 2006 fare increase was to support maintenance cost...
An SMRT bus came to a standstill along Orchard Boulevard as smoke started to come out of its engine. No one was hurt and all passengers were transferred to another bus. The area had to be cordoned off for the Singapore Civil Defence Force officers and the police to conduct checks.

According to SMRT officers, one of the vehicle's tyres may have overheated. This makes me wonder, when was the last time that the vehicle's tyres are checked? Or maybe, when was the last time that the vehicle was serviced?

And btw, do you realise that there are still super old SMRT buses around? Those with the "press both sides and pull up" windows that are now locked closed for the air-con? BUT... pleasssse do not complain this to the SMRT... unless you want ANOTHER fare "adjustment"!

Singapore Scenes... Singapore Zoological Garden

很不耐烦地，一边走来走去一边打量游客们的白老虎... 莫非它心里想的是“好多好好吃的肉哦！”


走吧！我们谁也不比谁大，一起肩并肩地走吧！


小鹿也不管有多少游客在盯着它看，就这样慢慢地自在地吃它的草。


整个动物园里最自由自在的，可以从这颗树晃到那颗树的就只有猴子一家人了!


没想到鳄鱼的肚腩那么大，怪不得整天浸在水里！


“向左走，向右走”应该就是这个意思吧！


切！我才不跟你们争！那个阿婶还有更多花生米咧！


我们的臀部有够性感，线条有够美吧！


咦？怎么有只斑马的斑是褐色的？是退色了吗？


妈！别再睡了啦！游客们来拍照了啦！


一直有个疑问... 为什么小鸟们这么喜欢停在犀牛身上休息呢？


为什么这两只企鹅站在一旁看其他的企鹅游泳？可能它们正在想... “不知道水够冷吗？”

What you don't know about EZ-Link card

Do you know that:

• The EZ-Link card has a 5-year warranty upon purchase, so the card will expire in 5 years upon purchase


• During warranty, the card can be replaced FOC (free-of-charge), but after warranty, will require non-refundable payment of $5 for a replacement card


• In every top-up, the 5-years expiry is extended, but subjected to a maximum expiry extension of 2 years (5+2yrs). Which means that the card can only be used for a maximum of 7 years, after which it will expire and become invalidated

What you should do:

• Check your card expiry (use the General Ticketing Machine, note whether card still under warranty or not)


• If still under 5-year warranty, but expiring soon, better get a new FREE replacement soonest


• Card can only be replaced when it cannot be read by system - so better use the card without card holder or protective holder, so that it will turn old or unreadable within 5 years, and get a new card FREE

You should know that:

• The old card has deposit requirement of $3 (i.e. 'dead' cash not utilised)


• The new card has deposit requirement of $5 (more 'dead' cash)


• Transport operators has excess millions of dollars from all the EZLink cards deposit. Investment of these millions of dollars can result in even more capital gains in the operators' profit

So... DO NOT pay $5 for a new card every 5-7 years for SMRT and SBS Transit shares to go up every year!!!

Singapore Scenes... Singapore Botanic Gardens

高贵的，优美的天鹅小姐悠哉闲在地在湖中漫步


在这世界上，天伦之乐比什么东西都珍贵


一湖的荷叶，怎么就是没看见荷花？


在这一段静静的路上，有你陪伴着我就够了


白白的小亭子默默地等待着谁会来坐上一坐...


到植物园来就一定要看花的啦！但风头都被胡姬花抢去了，谁会来注意路旁的这些开得灿烂的小黄花呢？